Pain, acceptance and motivation

This is a bit of a brain dump.  I read some blogs today that made me think.

One was about learning to love your body at any weight.
The other was about your partner still being attracted to you when you are slim.

I think I may be in the minority when it comes to how I feel about my body.

You see it is fat, obese actually, and I have related health issues.  It lets me down a lot, I have PCOS, coeliac disease, dodgy joints and ADD.  I have high blood pressure and borderline cholestrol.

But I am not ashamed of it.  I don't hate it or avoid seeing it.  I wish it was smaller and tighter.  But I wish my mortgage was smaller and some of my friendships tighter.  I don't hate them either.

From childhood I had a 'lack of modesty'.  I don't think I look any slimmer dressed than I do naked.  I walked around nude in front of my DH when he was still maintaining the 'mystery' by staying covered.  I am not worried about being 'exposed' during massages or doctors exams.  Partially this is a result of working in a hospital for 7 years - I saw up to 60 partially undressed patients daily.  There is no such thing as a 'normal' body to me any more!  And nobody (including me) is going to see me dressed then naked and be shocked at how big I 'suddenly' appear.

I was about 90kg when I met my DH.  I got down to 82 before our wedding in 2008.  Though I was back at 84 on our wedding day.  He has never seen me below 82kg.  He loves my curves.  He is open about the fact that he does NOT want me to lose weight.  He does not want there to be 'less of me to love'.

Lastly I am not held back by my weight.  There are things that bug me, but I can go on the rides at theme parks, fit into a plane seat, run, love, live.  I have good flexibility. 

So I am not motivated by shame about my body or about getting back to the weight I was when DH met me.  I am not motivated by the things I cannot do.

I am motivated purely by wanting to be the best me that I can be.  I want to be healthy, slim, fit, wearing fabulous clothes and killer shoes.

So my motivation is in what I want to be, not in stopping being what I am.

Mostly that is a good thing.  It is a very positive approach.

But some days when I 'choose my hard' losing weight seems a lot harder than being the size I am.

Please don't misunderstand me, I do NOT enjoy being this weight.

I just don't feel like I am this weight most of the time.




Somedays I wish it bothered me more to be this size.

cheers,

Fiona

(PS - I am very aware that my blog probably makes little sense to anyone else!)