My badge of ‘failure’

Sometimes I feel that looking from the outside it would seem my one big ‘failure’ is my weight. I have a good home, job, marriage, family etc.


And I have this weird and kind of contradictory set of feelings about that.


If I eliminate my one easy-for-the-entire-world-to-see fault, am I then misrepresenting myself as a success? It seems ‘wrong’ to be seen as a success when I feel like somewhere between a failure and ‘average’. (Oh yes, I know this is completely illogical). Will people have higher expectations of me? Will people dislike me? Will I dislike me? Will I become obnoxious and painful without my weight to keep me lacking in confidence? I am already very self absorbed. What if that gets worse?


But what if I really can’t do this? What if I just keep trying and failing? Can I live with more failure at this one thing I have been ‘trying’ to succeed at for more than 20 years?


So my illogical and fairly random brain is terrified of failure at the same time as being terrified of losing my ‘failure’ badge.


I tell myself how illogical both of these fears are. After all I know that people see my other faults (I asked :p). I remind myself that slim people are everywhere and not all of them are successful. I remind myself that I have 20 years of failure to keep me grounded even when I finally succeed. I remind myself that fearing failure causes failure. I need to believe I can succeed.


And I hope that the logic will win.