Buster Update

Sadly Buster wanted to eat our cat.

So today he was surrendered in order to find a home that was cat free.

He has a lovely personality (other than his wanting to kill the cat of course) so I hope he is successful.

Expensive mistake, but these things happen.

My body philosophy

I thought I would share with you some of my new approach to my body.  I will use (my favourite) point form and just tell you the thoughts as they come to me:

• My body knows best.  I listen to it's signals and cravings.  I eat when hungry and I eat the thing that will most satisfy me (based on the available options).
• No food is banned, bad, limited, avoided (other than gluten of course due to my coeliac disease!)
• Food is not the enemy.  Food is a combination of fat, protein and carbs.  Food is a combination of flavours and textures.  Food gives me pleasure and fuel to do what I need to do each day.  Food gives me much needed minerals and vitamins to repair and strengthen my body.  Food is not why I am obese.  I am.
• I weigh myself when I feel the urge, and if the number is higher than my last WI I ignore it and try again another day.  I no longer record weight gains because they are temporary aberrations
• I do not count points, calories, fat etc.  But I do have a lot of knowledge from years and years of following WW.  That knowledge helps guide my choices.
• I exercise for fun, fitness, my new dog, strength and to clear my mind
• I take time each day to do something purely for stress relief
• I try to remember what an amazing thing my body is.  I try to celebrate all the good things.  I try to take care of my body so it supports me into the very old age I hope to live to.

This is very different to the approaches I have tried for years.  I always felt I needed strong guidelines and 'caps' such as point or calorie limits in order to lose weight.  For me that meant ignoring my body (ie hunger and fullness signals) and eating low point/calorie meals to enable enough 'room' in my allowance for treats.  I know that many many people are successful counting points or calories, but I needed to change my approach cos for me that was just not working.

I love my new approach... it is kind of the anti diet.  It comes so naturally and I am losing weight!

Thanks for reading :)

New training device....

Meet Buster.

We 'rescued' him from a shelter this morning.  He is a 2 year old Labrador cross (crossed with many things!) with a gentle personality.  He loves attention and affection and will be fabulous once he and the cat are ready to be allowed to be in the same room together! 

Quick Update - Friday

Well I slept much better after my brain dump!

And today I have:

Called my hairdresser at 10am (when he opened, I tried many times before that!) to find he could fix my fringe if I got there before 11am!  I jumped in a taxi ($13 each way – well spent) and went out to Albert Park.  He fixed my fringe (shorter and fuller) free of charge (not a question of that) and I jumped in a taxi back to work!  Was at my desk again by 10:40am.

Booked my waxing for Thursday night.

Booked a blow dry the morning of my party.

Decided (though not yet discussed with DH!!) to wait two more weeks before we get a dog.

That allows tomorrow for shopping for a new top!

Work is chaos and lunch is just not going to happen.  Meetings and updates required every 30 minutes!  

Get out of my head!!

Too much swimming around in my head - so afraid you get a brain dump to read!

Can I squeeze in a trip to my hairdressers to fix my new fringe (it's too long and not full enough) or do I go to a local one?

What should I wear to my 40th?  It's a BBQ at home...  I need a new top to wear with jeans...  uugghhh I hate top shopping... (yes losing more weight would help!)

Should we go get a dog Saturday or is that silly with the working bee at Dad's on Sunday and then the BBQ here next Saturday?  Should we wait?  What if the two cute dogs I have my eye on are gone in 2 weeks...  uggghhh!

Why did DH hide my birthday gift in the cupboard in my exercise room??  I was looking for a book not my gift!  At least it is something I wanted!

Why does my back hurt?  Stress?  Sitting too long at work today?  Wonder how long before the nurofen kicks in?

Should I take my birthday off work (and lose a days pay) or go to work?

Ok, I think that is it...

Night all!

Quick Update

I slept well last night!  I was going to sleep in the spare bed as I was so stressed about keeping DH awake, but he convinced me to stay in our bed and I am glad I did cos there was no coughing and no stomach issues so I slept and so did he!

Amazing how much better a good nights sleep makes you feel!

Today I even feel slimmer.  Not slim.  Still obese.  But my clothes feel a little less clingy.

I had an interesting issue yesterday.   I was cold.  And I seem to have no indoor warm clothing!  I have outdoor coats and jackets.  But only one jumper/pullover (which was in the wash).  What did I wear last year??  Was I never cold?  So today I hope to find some cheap warm clothing to wear at home etc when I feel cold.    Of course going shopping will require me to stop blogging and leave my desk…

No Sleep

My cough won’t go.

On days I am at home it is better – it doesn’t like office air apparently.

But I am keeping my DH awake.

And he has to drive all day.

Tired.

He can’t work from home like I can.

So last night there was no coughing.

But there was a stress induced stomach ache.

Which had me out of bed and in a warm bath at 3am.

Which woke up DH.

And he told me to come back to bed.

Which I misunderstood.

He sleeps badly when I am not beside him.

But last night he just wanted me to stay in one place.

Sadly I stayed beside him but could not get comfortable. 

My stomach ache came with it’s very own back ache.

So DH slept badly from 3am.

At 5:30 when he got up, exhausted, I cried.

I am exhausted too. 

But I can work from home.

I suggested he have a day off but he declined.

What if he has an accident?

Stress.

Tonight if I can’t sleep I will close the bedroom door and do what I need to do.

Without disturbing him.

I need sleep so badly.

So does he.

Sunday

A very quick blog.  An emotional day yesterday (nothing bad happened, just emotional).  12 hours sleep last night.  And another small but steady loss today.  

PS

Jack of http://jackfit.blogspot.com/ has posted some photos I sent in to him on his blog.

I read his WIDTH blog last week and felt an urgent need to send in photos of my own.  Immediately.  Even with my scruffy hair and make up free face.  I used eye liner and lip liner to go over the words when they didn't show up in pen rather than find something else.  Not sure why the urgency...  makes for some great 'looking my worst' photos though!!

The past year

Last year I was diagnosed with mild ADD.  At the age of 39.  Most people who know me would not think I had ADD.  I am intelligent (I can say that cos Mensa accepted me :p) and learned lots of ways to compensate.  

Having said that, being diagnosed and being on ADD medication has drastically changed me.  On the inside.

My external behaviour has barely changed.

But I now know myself so much better than I ever have.

I always tried to understand myself – I loved self help books and magazines.

For the first time I now feel that I kind of know who I am and how I work.

It’s a nice feeling.

And through this knowledge I have stopped banging my head against the brick wall that was my weight loss efforts.  I know what works for me and I am sticking to that.  It’s slow, but it works for me.

Of course there is still a lot to learn.  I am complicated :p

But it is good to know I am making progress!

The photos

This may only make sense if you read yesterdays word pictures!

I never realised how much more I would 'see' with a camera in my hand!

I noticed different buildings.

I noticed that Gucci and Louis Vuitton are on the two corners opposite two of the churches.  All kinds of religions :p

It was fun!!

"Federation Square"

"Church # 1"

More of Federation Square

The circus tent I saw from the train - today the train didn't stop but I saw it again on my walk!

I never noticed this building before today!

The right hand window view from the train yesterday - taken as I walked past on my way to work today!

See the security guard poking his face out from the doorway?  I thought he would be gone today!  The eagle is part of the Grand Hyatt Hotel entrance.

Church # 2

Church # 3

Collins St :)

The office atrium - my desk just visible behind the light

My messy desk

Reminders of my goals :)

Word Pictures??

Today I really wanted to blog in pictures, but I do not have my camera with me.

So instead I will try to paint word pictures.  I am not very good at them as I tend to write without visual descriptors!

My train stopped just before the station I was planning to get off.  For quite a while. I possibly should have got off the station before and changed trains.  It gets me to work quicker, but I have less of a walk.  I was sitting in the train, it was not very crowded and I had 2 vastly different views out each side of the train.  To my right I had train tracks and overhead wires.  The backs of some office buildings.  Some trains in various states of age and condition.  To the left I had a grassy hill, some trees and the roof of a circus tent – complete with colourful flags.  Just behind the tent was a ferris wheel.  The sun was shining and the sky blue.  It was shining to the right as well, but sun on powerlines seemed harsh, on grass and a circus tent it seemed friendly and optimistic.

As I walked to work I passed 3 gorgeous churches.  These are old buildings by Melbourne standards (the city was founded in 1835) and quite beautiful.  Opposite one church is our controversial ‘Federation Square’.  It is ‘love it or hate it’ architecture.  It is modern and unique.  Lots of open spaces and lots of angles, levels, steps, and corners.  Personally I love it.

I also passed the Grand Hyatt Hotel which is recently refurbished and quite grand.  It has a drive through forecourt which is unusual in a city centre hotel.  They do a fabulous apple martini in the bar there J

I was surprised to pass an on duty security guard outside a nondescript building.  I glanced inside as I walked and noticed a scientology web address on a window and many people with security passes around their necks.  I wondered what was occurring, but being already late for work I keep on marching up the hill.

I turned the corner on to Collins St (and 2 of the churches).  This I think is one of our most beautiful city streets.  It is tree lined and wide.  Lots of the buildings are older, and the new ones are shiny.  It seems not much changed in the 60’s and 70’s so there are few concrete blocks!  The trees have mostly dropped their leaves and spread their arms towards the sun.  I passed exclusive shops mixed with the usual 7-11 and temporary bargain shops.  I looked in windows and wondered who has $1000s of dollars for beads that look remarkably similar to the cheap ones next door.

I looked into the 7-11 as I already finished the Sudoku on the train (‘very easy’ really is ‘very easy’) and need another paper.  It has none!  I wondered why so many people wanted the Age this Monday morning.  

Next stop was my office, it’s a pretty building with an atrium several floors high.  We are 1 level up so I look out into open space.  Behind me are windows through which we can watch grand final parades, protest marches, and occasional photo shoots at the tram stop below.

Tomorrow I will try to bring my camera, and you can compare my word pictures to real ones!

Friday!

Friday already?  Really?  Cool!

Ok, this week...

Work has been a weird combination of busy and dead quiet.  Phone calls while out at dinner tonight regarding urgent work when all day we had very little to do!

I have been struggling with doing something stress relieving every day, but I have at a minimum done something I enjoyed.

Food has been fine.  Happy to report my cravings for chocolate have diminished greatly!  I have really stopped thinking about food.  I eat when I am hungry.  And when I am not hungry it barely crosses my mind.

Still not doing my core work!  But I will get there too.  I have been walking a lot more.  Short distances to pander to my hip, but more frequent.

I really am sick of pretending I don’t mind my obesity.

I am ready to be slim.

And even more important – ready to put myself first in order to get there.  And stay there.

Monday

Today was busy at work.  Chaos busy.  But the day flew!

Tonight I used some more Christmas gift vouchers (the hot stone massage was a Christmas gift!) and booked a “Glass Slumping Workshop For Beginners”.  I don’t have a date yet, but as it is about 2 hours drive away will be a lovely day trip one Saturday soon.

I have not really done my stress relief today, so before bed I will be doing some meditation and stretching.

Life is good!

Sunday Updates

EXERCISE:

I have to separate exercise and weight loss in my head.  It has always been that way for me.

Exercise gives me many things:

• Stress relief
• Fitness
• Strength
• Health (eg lower blood pressure)

But let’s be honest, the amount I do is never going to burn significant calories.

The bonus for me is that I never have an urge to ‘rebel’ against exercise like I do healthy eating J

WATER:

I had a theory that my horrendous stomach spasms may be as simple as dehydration.  13 years of different theories (all proven wrong) had left me with no way of stopping them.  But... it seems to be working!  More water and my stomach settles.  I slept through the night and woke up spasm free!  Of course drinking more water has many benefits aside from being spasm free, but this is great incentive to drink plenty!

STRESS RELIEF:

Well Friday there was painting, and sleeping in, and the fabulous dinner at mums, and of course my hypnotherapy CD.

Saturday there was a 90 minute hot stone massage and a soak in the bath and some meditation/stretching (was meant to be just meditation but my cat was trying to join in and I kept giggling!)

Today so far there has been a walk of just over 2km to and around a small nature reserve near our house.  My first time there and it was lovely to walk through the bush.

My goal is to do at least one thing each day purely for stress relief.  Preferably two things, but one is ok as a start.  I will do some stretching later as that is the price for a nice walk J

LIFE:

Well my Dad and step Mum have sold their 100 acre farm and had an offer accepted on a house on 2.5 acres.  Their new house is much closer to where we live, and my step sister too.  Dad will find out in 2 weeks if the SIRT treatment for his cancer is an option.  To help them out and to say thanks for everything they do for us I am organising a working bee at the farm in a few weeks time.  They are both hoarders so there is a lot to clean up.  And so many people are really happy to have a way to do something for the two of them.

Our cat might also have cancer.  I am not coping well with anything cancer related given Dads situation.  And aside from that she is the most gorgeous cat.  I hope that the vet was mistaken.  If not then I may need to up the stress management!

Enough for today!

Hypnotherapy hyperactivity??

Not sure if this is a coincidence...  but after listening to my hypnotherapy CD today I felt so GOOD that I was hyperactive and crazy silly.  Was not sugar or food colouring this time!

It was marvellous.

Mum did my early birthday dinner.  4 courses of deliciousness!  Shall I share?  I feel full but not stuffed.

Risotto balls

Lamb shank with mint mash potato

Vanilla pannacotta with passionfruit

Chocolates and macaroons with tea/coffee

Several glasses of champagne.

I feel full just writing that down!

Today was lovely.

Slept til noon.  Seriously.

Then watched last nights episode of masterchef

Painted the painting for Ian (not a success) and the one for Eve's room (a success)

Listened to hypnotherapy CD

Went grocery shopping

Went for dinner (see above!)

Thought about how to make sure I do my core work.  The only thing that works is having the mat out where I can see it.  Ian hates it lying about, but will have to live with it I am afraid.

A great Friday :)

"That" Moment

Last night I had an incident that reminded me that being obese is not a comfortable situation.

Some of you may know that one of my biggest weight loss issues is that my weight does not bother me enough to encourage the changes I need to make.

Last night it did.

I sat in a seat on the train.  A middle seat.  My butt fit (my butt is not the biggest bit of me) but my torso did not.  I could not lean back.  So after about 20 secs, and surely fire engine red, I stood up again.  And a skinny guy took the seat while I stood up until an aisle seat became free.  

Last night my obesity caused me physical and emotional discomfort (standing on the train for 30 minutes is not comfortable at my weight after a day at work).

Tomorrow I have a day off.

I will be listening to my hypnotherapy CD.  

I will paint some pictures.

I will find time to work out a way to have me doing my floor/core work regularly so I can get back to my cardio.

I have lost 2kg in the past 10 weeks.  More luck than good management.  It is time to get serious.

I am 40 in 29 days.  I don’t mind getting older.  I have more pride in who I am now than I did 10 or even 5 years ago.  There thing I really want to change is my size.  There is a lot about me that is far from perfect, but I can embrace my faults when they do not cause harm to me or others.  My weight on the other hand is causing me harm.

The scary truth

Marlin:       I promised I’d never let anything happen to him (Nemo).
Dory:          Hmm. That’s a funny thing to promise.
Marlin:       What?
Dory:          Well, you can’t never let anything happen to him. Then nothing would ever happen to him. Not much fun for little Harpo.

A little ‘Finding Nemo’ that was used to illustrate a point today on Craig Harpers blog.

The point being that getting out of your comfort zone is scary… but staying in it is worse.

I believe that I embrace change, but it turns out that part of me only applies when the change is easy to do.  Move house, move countries, change jobs, change my hair.  All easy changes I love to embrace. 

Get slim and fit?  Not so much.

Why?

Because it is hard work.  Because I have failed in the past and I hate failing.  It is hard to ‘fail’ at moving house.  It is much easier to ‘fail’ at weight loss.  Especially when you have ‘failed’ so many times before.

And what does this mean?

It means I have to be brutally honest with myself.

It means I can’t say ‘I am comfortable being obese’ as an excuse for staying that way.  That sentence is laughable, but I have taken to using it often and seriously.

I am not comfortable being obese.  I am just scared of failure.

Why am I scared of failure?

Well to be honest weight loss is all I have really tried and failed at.  I have been very lucky and academic success came my way fairly easily.  I have no hand eye coordination but rather than failing at ball sports I just didn’t try.   I was a failure at ‘relationships’ for a long time but then I found out why, fixed the issue and was able to move forward. Weight loss scares me because there is no way to avoid trying it even though I have failed at it in the past.  There is no ‘issue’ for me to fix to make the path forward easier.  

I just have to face my fears and move forward.