Becoming the Best Me

Remember me?

2012-02-12T10:41:00.000+11:00

Hi there,

Well I am on my iPad and can't work out how to go to the dashboard! So I have no idea when I last wrote or what I was up to, forgive me if I repeat myself.

I got a foot injury, nothing major, just an 'overuse' pain in the tendons under my foot.

That, combined with having no luck joining or creating a team, led me to defer my 100km walk until 2013.

Instead I have started running. Barefoot. I need to get my basic fitness levels better. So I was planning to run the 14km run4thekids in April. As my foot is still quite painful, and as barefoot running takes more time for your body to adjust, I am likely to only run part of the 14km. But I have no issue with that. I am getting fitter and stronger. I will be much better prepared for the 100km walk training when I recommence mid year.

I just this week went back to weight watchers after some fairly disastrous photos taken last weekend. Success is mixed. I ate most of my 'weekly' allowance last night in an unplanned mini binge. Pretty bad for day 3. But it is recoverable. And I reminded myself that if doing this was easy nobody would be obese... I seem to struggle when it gets hard, shocked and surprised that I can't lose weight without sacrifice. I need to accept that it will require sacrifice. And change. What do they say... Something abut the definition of crazy is doing the exact same thing and expecting different results?

Not sure if anyone is reading after however long it has been... If you are please say hi.

Quickie

2011-08-13T23:16:00.000+10:00

Latest news:

I am allegedly a sufferer of an under active thyroid. Ultrasound next week, followed by meds to correct its laziness... I will apparently not feel so exhausted AND weight loss will be easier. We will see.

Considering a walk to and from Mum's tomorrow. A lovely 6.24km each way... but I go down about 100m to get there so will have to go back up 100m on the way back... I know I can do it... and I will be glad if I do... hopefully next week I will be back on proper trails. I need a back up walking partner as my brother keeps having to work and I can't do trails alone...

Life still great :)

August update

2011-08-09T22:32:00.002+10:00

Completed my first 2 outdoor walks - 8.4km each and both with hills.

New shoes are fabulous.

Hip is great.

Life is wonderful!

July already??

2011-07-02T19:24:00.000+10:00

Quick update:

Lifting 80kg and squatting with 40kg.

Started walking on treadmill.

Today looked at new trainers - Asics Gel-Nimbus are my favourite at the moment.

About to post on Facebook for fellow Oxfam walkers...

Yes, you guessed it, I am really doing this!

100km

2011-04-25T17:15:00.000+10:00

I have decided.

Next year I am doing the 100km oxfam walk in Melbourne.

I am seeing my new physiotherapist. I told him my plan. He didn't laugh. Instead he is helping me. Now I am almost pain free. After 2 visits. Next we strengthen. They use a technique I am not familiar with. 2 moves. Deadlifts and weighted squats. With enough weight to force my body to bring into play muscles I don't normally use. I am intrigued.

But first my best friend told me she is too old to do it. She is younger than me. We are both 40. Then my Dad implied it was too ambitious. My husband worries I will wreck my hip after the effort to fix it. My brothers girlfriend (my brother and his girlfriend did it this year and are my inspiration) then suggested I try the 50km walk next year, or at least have it as my back up plan.

It's tough to ignore them all. This is something I really want to do. But a part of me wonders if they are right.

But this is something I really want to do. It is something I can do. I will do it.

Day 22 of 365 - Monday 25th April

2011-04-25T17:03:00.000+10:00

Had a small hiccup last week.

No excuses.

Still managed a loss albeit a few days later than my WI day.

~*~*~*~*~*~

Food

Average to good. Not tracking, but making healthy choices as much as possible.

Emotions

Average to good. Been a bit stressed about work, bit down about money, but mainly happy. Lots of time with family this week.

Exercise

Some, walking with DH, walk along river today. Not excessive distances as still keeping my hip stable until I begin strength work woth physio next week

Hunger levels

Hungry, mainly related to hormones. Trying to satisfy cravings with healthier options.

Knee/hip pain

Under control

Gratitude

I am grateful for my wonderful family, who give me so many examples of who I want to be

Successes

Lost 0.6 this week after a gain mid week.

Back again

2011-04-17T17:08:00.000+10:00

Still on track.

Have lost 1.6kg so far.

Just not been focussed on blogging.

Oops and Day 7 of 365 - Saturday 9th April

2011-04-10T10:00:00.001+10:00

I keep missing posts.

Life is great.

I am on track.

I lost 0.7kg this week.

I will keep trying to post every day, but I don't want you to think I am off track if I don't post! I just get busy.

Food

No fruit :( Must get some at home. Is easier at work!
Used all daily and weekly points

Emotions

Loving my new eating plan

Exercise

100 minutes weeding (9 propoints! But I am not eating my exercise points)

Hunger levels

breakfast: was hungry and ended up satisfied
Lunch: was hungry and satisfied after
Tea: was hungry and satisfied after

Knee/hip pain

morning: not bad
evening: not bad

Gratitude

I am grateful I have taken advantage of another opportunity to lose weight

Successes

Loving Propoints
Lost 0.7kg

General

I am a bit worried as I had lost 0.7 by Tuesday and then I started eating my weekly points and stayed the same from then... as the program feels so 'easy' to me I worry I am eating too much. But I also know my body is very up and down in it's weekly losses, so I will give it the 28 days following the plan exactly and see what my average weekly loss is. After all, 3kg per month gets me to my ultimate goal in 10 months or my 'maybe' goal in 8 which is fantastic! And of course after not losing much at all for months and months 0.7 is a definite step towards my goal!
MIL arrives from the UK tonight... she is here for 4 weeks.

Days 5 & 6 of 365 - Thursday 7th and Friday 8th April

2011-04-08T19:47:00.000+10:00

Food

Less fruit these past two days. Just one banana and one plum.
Eaten out and still have 16 of my weekly points to go
Loving propoints

Emotions

Quite buoyant

Exercise

about 20 mins brisk walking in 2 sessions each day

Hunger levels

breakfast: was hungry and ended up satisfied
Lunch: was hungry and satisfied after
Tea: was hungry and satisfied after - tonight I ate only a third to a half of my main course. It was lovely but a small amount satisfied me.

Knee/hip pain

morning: not bad
evening: not bad

Gratitude

I am grateful for my cats, my husband, my Mum, my friends, my family!

Successes

Loving propoints
Worked late last night but was not even tempted to stop tracking
Life is busy and good - enough that I forgot last nights blog!
Am writing my first thank you tonight. I ordered cute note cards to use. I was inspired by a book: 365 Thank Yous. My plan is to write a personal thank you note when it is appropriate (not necessarily one each day - although that would be fine too).

Day 4 of 365 - Wednesday 6th April

2011-04-06T22:32:00.000+10:00

Food

Ate 29 of 29 points plus 18 of my weekly points (31 weekly remaining)
Lots of fruit
Not many vegetables
Ate a WW frozen meal at lunch which worked well
Had chicken and chips plus a cherry ripe bar... enjoyed the cherry ripe, but think I could have chosen better than chicken and chips as an indulgence. Will plan better next time
Now have all the WW books, calculator and some recipe books so planning will be easier

Emotions

Quite buoyant

Exercise

about 50 mins brisk walking in 4 sessions.

Hunger levels

breakfast: was hungry and ended up satisfied
Lunch: was hungry and satisfied after
Tea: was hungry but could have chosen better

Knee/hip pain

morning: not bad
evening: very bad
Saw my new physio today. Think it will work out great - he says the 100km Oxfam walk in 2012 is definitely a possibility
Today (and likely tomorrow) very painful due to lots of deep tissue massage and release

Gratitude

I am grateful for enjoying WW

Successes

Saw physio
Walked extra

Day 3 of 365 - Tuesday 5th April

2011-04-05T22:37:00.000+10:00

Food

Ate 29 of 29 points
Lots of fruit and vegetables
Ate a WW frozen meal at lunch which worked well
A glass of vodka and raspberry lemonade
Much better point management today

Emotions

Quite buoyant
Took concerta - did that help

Exercise

about 20 mins brisk walking in 2 sessions.

Hunger levels

breakfast: was hungry and ended up satisfied
Lunch: was hungry and satisfied after
Tea: was hungry and satisfied after (much smaller stir fry today)

Knee/hip pain

morning: not bad
evening: not bad

Gratitude

I am grateful for wonderful friends

Successes

Stayed within points
Got through a stressful day at work (my account was disabled - and most of my work requires emails!)

Tomorrow

Seeing physio
Will have a planned higher point day to use some of my 49 weekly points

Day 2 of 365 - Monday 4th April

2011-04-04T21:47:00.000+10:00

Food

Ate 28 of 29 points
Struggled with lack of knowledge about good 'propoints' foods without books etc but stuck with it anyway.
Lots of fruit and vegetables

Emotions

reminding myself it is going to be hard, and that I have to eat differently or else my weight will not go down.
tired and a bit flat

Exercise

about 20 mins brisk walking in 2 sessions.

Hunger levels

breakfast: was hungry and ended up satisfied
Lunch: was hungry and satisfied after
Tea: was hungry and slightly over full after (too many veg in stir fry!)

Knee/hip pain

morning: quite sore
evening: quite sore

Gratitude

I am grateful for having a well paid job I enjoy

Successes

Made appointment with physio (Wednesday morning)
Stayed within daily PP allowance
did not give in even when it got difficult to know what to eat

Day 1 of 365 - Sunday 3rd April

2011-04-03T22:06:00.000+10:00

Ok, here goes.

Plan:

Propoints online for 28 days
Make that physio appointment for my hip
Daily stretching
Core strengthening Sun, Tues, Thurs
Cardio Mon, Wed, Sat
Blog here daily under the following categories:

Food
Emotions
Exercise
Hunger levels
Knee/hip pain
Gratitude
Successes

After 4 weeks commit to a further 4 weeks plan (which may or may not be different)

Food

Signed up for propoints online and started tracking
Used 29 of my 29 - and that includes a hot cross bun with margarine when I got home.
Avoided food at my Aunt's as was too hard to work out gluten free and propoints at this stage.

Emotions

resigned to following WW
happy to get through day 1... and exhausted!

Exercise

none yet (8:44am)
about 20 mins slow walking.. lots of standing and walking at party but not countable.

Hunger levels

breakfast: was hungry and ended up satisfied
Lunch: was junky but was hungry and satisfied after
Tea: Food was ordinary so ate only part

Knee/hip pain

morning: minimal
evening: very sore hip after walking a few blocks in heels :(

Gratitude

I am grateful for my wonderful husband

Successes

Joined WW
Stayed within PP allowance even without knowing the values.

Hi

2011-04-02T21:14:00.000+11:00

I think I am back.

It has been months.

My ideas are on a notepad right now.

But after trying to decide on the right format for my many diary needs I realised this was probably it.

So I will probably be back.

I probably won't have any readers, but that is ok. This is really going to be a diary for me.

2011...

2010-12-23T14:11:00.002+11:00

In 2011 I am going to fix my hip.

Then I am going to start walking.

Then I am going to do the C25K.

Then I am going to do fun runs.

Then I am going to run further and faster.

In 2013 (possibly 2012 I will walk it) I am going to run the 14.2km 'run for the kids' fun run in Melbourne.

And while I do all that I will be losing weight!

2011??

2010-12-13T13:57:00.000+11:00

I was just asked by my psychologist what my goals were for 2011.

Not something I had thought about really! So using my ‘wheel of life’ categories, here goes with where I would like to be by the end of 2011:

Career

My goal for 2011 is to decide where I want to go with my career and have an idea of how to get there

Money

Extend mortgage "buffer" to 6 months (3 months living)

Home

Finish back yard

Replace dishwasher

Relationships

Be able to have more weekends away with Ian

Health

Lose 14kg to be in ‘overweight’ BMI range

Learning

Spend more time painting

Do some online study

Friends

Spend time with friends who make me feel good

Family

Spend time with family

Let go more from organizational and fixing role within the family

Me!

Keep increasing confidence

Define who I am and want to be more clearly (artist, runner?)

I am still around...

2010-11-25T10:07:00.000+11:00

I know I have been MIA again.

It is just that I am really fed up with myself writing my latest ‘plan’ and never following through.

So firstly what have I managed since I last blogged:

I have done 95% of the shopping for my new wardrobe. It has been such a worthwhile exercise. By spending time doing research about both what suits me and about ‘capsule wardrobes’ (Gok Wan style where the ‘capsule’ is all you need, not a starting point) I was able to go shopping with a clear plan of exactly what I wanted to buy. By getting everything in 2 days of shopping I was able to ensure it all mixes and matches. By knowing what shapes to buy shopping was more efficient and there is nothing that will now lurk, unloved, at the back of my wardrobe.

Shopping for and wearing clothes that flatter my apple shape has given me confidence that I can look good at any size. Being able to go to my wardrobe and select from a range of items that make me look and feel good boosts that confidence further.

Being confident and no longer hating my body shape makes it easier to be nice to myself.

Knowing that I can dress in clothes that look good on my obese body makes me excited about the options as my body gets smaller. I effectively shop in 3 department stores and 1 specialty plus size store. Imagine when I can wear clothes from nearly every store?? That excites and motivates me.

In case you are wondering about what I had on my list to get me through the summer:

4 ‘smart’ skirts
4 ‘smart’ tops
1 casual skirt
1 casual pair of shorts
2 casual tops
1 ‘smart’ dress
1 jacket

I already had 2 pairs of jeans, 1 pair of ¾ length white trousers and 1 casual dress which worked with my shape.

I did also purchase some ‘shape wear’ to assist in smoothing my curves under some of the new clothes.

Everything is mix and match so the ‘smart’ and ‘casual’ can cross over and cover most occasions.

What else have I done:

I listened to my hypnotherapy CD
I dealt with my Dad being hospitalised with a chronic infection and 0.00 white blood cells (he is home again now with a count of 1.0 and rising). He should be well enough to resume chemotherapy on Monday.
I am dealing with lots of uncertainty at work. Management have declared a 6.5 week forced leave period for all contractors (yep, that’s me) from Dec 13^th. This would make it really hard financially. We are waiting to hear (Monday hopefully) if my team are exempt. On top of that I have been offered a chance to move into a very different role on the project, this could be my way out of software testing. They will teach me about this other area. Best case: I love it and a new career path is born. Worst case: I hate it and go back to test management. No need to guess that I said I was interested. It may not come about, but hopefully it will. It does add to the uncertainty in the meantime though.
Agreed with my manager to start and finish early 2 days a week so I can spend time with my DH who is on a very different work roster to me. Some nights he goes to bed within 30 minutes of me arriving home!

What I am going to do:

Switch my core work to evenings. After the initial delight in my becoming a ‘morning person’ it seems to have worn off! I am also getting to work earlier so I can leave early which has an impact to my morning plans. But basically I have done pretty much zero morning exercise in weeks. Time to change to evenings.
Document my food intake. I just thought – there may be an android application I can use to do that on my phone… although I prefer not to track calories or points etc so I will really just be looking for some sort of daily list/diary…

So in a marathon update, that is what I have and will be up to.

As usual I am writing this at work, in a word document to minimise my web time in the office, so won’t get to read your blogs. Maybe this weekend.

November already?

2010-11-08T10:00:00.000+11:00

It feels longer than 11 days since I last posted.

I have not moved on with my wardrobe makeover yet. Having MIL here means lots of activity in my free time. But she goes home Friday so I will try to get it done over the next few weeks – along with my Christmas shopping.

We got bad news in regards to my Dad’s cancer last week. The SIRT treatment has not worked. On the plus side he has no new metastases to date. But the liver met the SIRT was focussed on has grown. Tomorrow he starts chemotherapy again which is the only option remaining. The surgeon did say to him that it was only a matter of time before the cancer spread as it is pushing against a vein in his liver. The additional down side of the chemo is that the PIC line that is inserted means no more playing cricket. He loves playing: my brother and 2 of his step sons play with him and they all have a wonderful time.

And to top it all off, I fell apart at work Friday. I was speaking to my step mum and she had lots she needed to say while she didn’t feel a need to be ‘strong’ in front of Dad. We both ended up crying, but after the call ended my tears didn’t! I ended up being sent home in a taxi (with a cab charge) by my boss. I spent time at the beach and then with my mother and nephew. I logged back into work about 4 hours after I left. I did feel better for getting it out of my system… but I now have quite a few colleagues tiptoeing around me!

With regards to weight loss I have barely given it a thought.

Oh well.

My personal makeover

2010-10-28T16:21:00.000+11:00

When I eat ‘naturally’ (ie not focusing on weight loss) I tend to lose weight.

But confidence plays a big part in that process. I have to not second guess myself. I have to feel good about myself.

In the past exercise has given me confidence, but with my hip that has not been an option.

Confidence for me comes from many sources, but lasting confidence is mostly from doing things I have not done before.

This year I took my first (and second) beginners painting class. I am 40 and for the first time ever I have been described as artistic! I am even starting to think of myself that way. My confidence to try new things has skyrocketed as a result. I knew I would enjoy painting. I did not think I would have skill J

Earlier last year I began a process of improving my ‘style’. It started with accessories. I noticed how ‘put together’ my Mum always looks with a few simple accessories. So I got myself some. And felt better about how I looked.

Then I went to a ‘stylist’ party where I was told 3 of the 4 items I had with me for assessment did not flatter my shape. That was followed by a 1hour shopping trip with the same stylist. I returned most of what I purchased, but I was able to feel comfortable buying skirts and tops to wear for work in winter. I even managed a fairly good outfit to wear to me Dad’s 60^th party (again in winter!).

I removed most of the unflattering items from my wardrobe.

But then the weather warmed up! I researched stylists with the idea of shopping with one for my summer wardrobe. I applied for a Trinny and Susannah makeover. I devoured Gok Wan programs.

I didn’t get the T&S makeover.

I spent the stylist money on stuff for the house (like paint!)

So it came down to me.

So I researched more.

I confirmed that I am an apple shape. My measurements say I am ‘straight’ but I am just not!

I found some great sites.

I window shopped and tried on a few bits and pieces.

I reviewed the items in a Gok Wan capsule wardrobe.

I reviewed what I needed for a summer wardrobe and decided on the number and type of clothing I need (shoes and accessories I will do last).

While seeing if a maxi dress plus ‘pull me in’ underwear worked (maxi dress alone = 8 months pregnant) I fell in love with one on special that fit one of my key piece needs. I purchased the first item in my new capsule wardrobe!

Next steps include a careful review of my current wardrobe for anything that fits into my capsule requirements. Everything else will be set aside and hopefully given to charity once I complete my new purchases. And of course the purchase of the rest of the wardrobe.

Skirts, jeans and dresses I am comfortable with knowing the best basic shape(s) for me. Shorts and tops I need more research on. Shorts I have an idea for but need to find and try on some pairs to confirm.

So thanks to the internet, my family and many hours of makeover TV, I think in the next few weeks I will start to have confidence that I am wearing clothes that suit me.

And that confidence I believe will lead to me eating less 'comfort' food.

I am looking forward to that!

79.5

2010-10-20T14:55:00.000+11:00

79.5

That is my next goal

That is 10% from my latest ‘low’ weight

That is my lowest weight for 12 years

That is a BMI of 30.7 (almost overweight instead of obese)

That is about 2 sizes smaller than I am now

That is shopping for tops in ‘normal’ shops

That is a lot less weight for my hip to bear

That is possibly running again

That is pride in my achievements

That is comfort in my own skin

Discoveries since I last blogged:

Feeling fabulous in the mornings may have been a combination of Concerta and reduced milk proteins. I started eating chocolate again and I have gone back to struggling to get up in the morning. Not as much as I used to, but not as good as the first week.
I lose weight when I stop eating chocolate. I stop losing weight when I eat chocolate.
Action instead of words only works when you take action. Action is the key. Words are irrelevant.

Reduce chocolate
Floor work daily
Listen to hypno CD

Simple actions.

Blogging break

2010-10-07T07:35:00.002+11:00

Hi,

Just to let you know I am having a short blogging break.

Work etc really crazy.

Will be back soon!

Thursday odds and ends

2010-09-30T11:21:00.000+10:00

My week has been pretty good.

Flooring purchased Sunday has been delivered.

Wall in family room has been painted by DH.

Another coat of paint on the bed frame has still not covered the primer so a 4^th, heavier, coat will

be applied on the weekend.

We have tickets (Mum and I) to see the grand final take II on Saturday.

Hormones influenced some of yesterdays eating choices.

I saw my physio again and she did some ‘dry needling’ to release tension in my neck, shoulders and hip. I am still doing a combination of floor work, yoga and stretching each morning. She is also going to get me some supportive inner soles to wear in my trainers.

A few weeks ago I mentioned that I applied for a TV makeover program… well I have been asked to come along to a ‘group audition’. That will be in 2 weeks… should be great fun even if I don’t get through to the next stage!

Work slightly less mad this week. Hope it lasts!

Weekend wrap up

2010-09-27T10:28:00.000+10:00

I have had a great weekend!

I worked late Friday and then DH took me to dinner before I went home. We went to my favourite Vietnamese restaurant.

Saturday was the AFL Grand Final and my team (St Kilda Saints) was playing. Mum and I headed to the game, very excited! Got plenty of exercise as our seats were very high with a lot of stairs to get there (drinks and bathroom trips required going down and back up again)!

And after an emotional roller coaster of a game… it was a draw! One of the many ways AFL is unique is that a grand final draw requires a rematch the following week. So Mum and I will be back there next Saturday (and yes, we have had to purchase new tickets, but they are not as high this time!). There has only been 3 draws in AFL/VFL grand final history. So it was special… but also really frustrating and expensive!

You can see some of the photos of the day here.

Sunday was a gorgeous spring day, sunshine and mild temperatures. We headed out to Bunnings (a large Australian hardware store) to look at the price of carpet. We are planning on making our mark on our very bland house and have spent the past few weekends deciding on paint colours and getting sample pots. The blue carpet in the lounge really didn’t fit our schemes, and the wood flooring we wanted was more than we could afford right now. We were happy to be patient and look at alternatives. We had other rooms to ‘do’ in the meantime. Anyway… Bunnings had gorgeous solid oak flooring on sale for half price as it was no longer being stocked! And they had enough for our room! It will be delivered Tuesday but we are still deciding if we should get it professionally laid. If we do it ourselves it will be a while away as our weekends are pretty full for the next few months!

Sunday afternoon saw me painting the iron bed that is in our spare room. I have sprayed on 3 coats (1 of primer, 2 of paint) so far, but will need another. It is quite amazing how much my arm aches after holding the spray can nozzle for that many coats! My MIL arrives in less than 2 weeks and I want her room to be great when she does. Last year we had only been in the house a month and while she was perfectly happy, I want her room to be more special this time. She stays 5 weeks each year so it is important to me that she has a lovely place to sleep. Nobody else uses that room as it has a king single and most guests prefer the queen in the other spare room. I have also done a painting for her room and will ensure she has things to make her stay comfortable. I am completely aware that I am doing this because it makes me feel good to make my MIL feel special! She would be happy sleeping anywhere.

Once more this morning I was up at 6 with no issues. My husband is still in shock at this new me! To be honest so am I! I did core, yoga and stretching today. I plan to do push-ups, sit-ups, yoga and stretching tomorrow. I have to confess that today I read the last of Stephen King’s “Under the Dome” instead of doing my makeup and getting the earlier train… I was too tired to keep reading last night… but I did make sure I exercised first this morning!

I am happy to report a new lowest weight for 2010, although when I posted it on my page I noticed I have lost a mere 0.5kg in 3 months! Better than a gain and I think my reduced dairy diet will speed up the losses over the next few weeks anyway. To be honest, a loss with zero deprivation, restriction, counting or exercise is actually quite good!

Ok, enough of this marathon post. Have a lovely Monday.

Day 2 :)

2010-09-24T06:29:00.000+10:00

Got up at 6am again... feeling great again.

Today I was a bit sore from yesterdays core work out so I did yoga and stretching only.

When I start my sit ups and push ups next week I will alternate days with the core work.

Very pleased this is working out so well!

Well…

2010-09-23T09:44:00.000+10:00

I took the extra Concerta at 7:30pm (12 hours from my morning dose) and by 10pm was tired. Went to bed and felt like I could not sleep. I tossed and turned and got up a few times. But I must have slept. For when my alarm went off at 6am I woke up feeling great! I honestly cannot recall ever waking up feeling so refreshed and ready for my day.

I did my core work (20 - 25 mins), my 15 minute yoga routine and then some additional stretches. I finished at 6:40 am (the time my alarm usually goes off and I start pressing snooze). So I managed to fit breakfast and makeup into my morning routine and still get an earlier train!

So day 1 goes into the books as a success.

In case you are interested in my core work routine:

(Numbers are starting reps, will increase in most cases over time)

Pelvic tilts x20
Lying leg raises x 20 (each side)
Prone leg raises x 20 (each side)
Bridge x 10
Plank 30 sec x 3
Side plank 30 sec x 3 (each side)

I wasn’t that impressed by the yoga routine I chose from the internet. I will try to find a new copy of ‘teach yourself yoga’ as I used to love the short routine in that. As a back up I have other internet routines I can try.

Working to my strengths

2010-09-22T12:03:00.000+10:00

Some things are fairly random in my life – the time I finish work for example.

Others are fairly consistent – the time I get up would be one of those.

Some parts of me are also fairly consistent – I hate getting up early.

But sometimes one need overrides another.

I am about to start trialling taking my ADD meds twice each day rather than once. Apparently it will help me sleep better and wake more refreshed.

So as I need to develop a consistent core strengthening and yoga routine, and as my evenings are too often impacted by work, I have come to the reluctant conclusion I need to start a morning routine.

My plan is to get up at 6am instead of 7am which allows time for a proper routine and perhaps even breakfast and makeup!

This is a work in progress, depending on muscle soreness, time required etc, but my initial plan will be:

Core work: Monday to Friday
Yoga: Monday to Friday
Situps and pushups: Monday, Wednesday, Friday

If time is tight I will do yoga Tuesday and Thursday only.

In addition to the above, I saw a new physiotherapist today. With her I will be starting pilates (with machines as well as floor work) to really work on my core strength. I am not sure how regularly I will do pilates, but it will likely replace the core work I do at home on those days.

As far as my eating goes, I am trialling a reduced milk protein diet. It appears my stomach aches are not related to dehydration. My doctor suggested they may be milk protein intolerance related (I am not lactose or fructose intolerant). As a result I have dramatically reduced the chocolate and cheese in my diet and switched to a protein tolerant milk (must get my calcium!). Already my weight is dropping as a result. I am 200gm above the 88.8kg last recorded and my approach to recording my progress is to only record the downward parts of my journey so a new number will hopefully appear soon!

My artistic photos :p

2010-09-16T12:19:00.002+10:00

Glass slumping photos:
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=281565&id=754536018&l=84488af05a

Beginners painting:
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=184048&id=754536018&l=a532bf6352

Action first

2010-09-16T12:08:00.001+10:00

I have always believed, and still do, that we become what we think.

Thoughts become actions and actions become who we are.

But what if it also works that actions change thoughts?

What if we try things we never thought we could do? What if we succeed? We then must change our belief that we could not do that thing. Which must then make us wonder what else we can do.

A few years ago I changed a basic belief: I hate exercise. I had a knee reconstruction in 2003 and discovered I loved cycling when I had to do it as part of my therapy. Booking a personal trainer a year later led to the discovery I love running even more. Now when I can't run I miss it desperately.

This year I changed another basic belief: I am not artistic. I signed up for a beginners painting class. My expectations were that I would produce ordinary paintings but enjoy the process. Well, I am not ever going to sell my art, but I am a good beginner and I do love the process. That led me to book a glass slumping class. Again I loved the process and the results are great for a beginner. My husband calls me 'my artistic wife' with pride in his voice.

So rather than wait for some magic fairy to come by and change my belief that I fail at weight loss attempts, I should lose weight and prove myself wrong!

I wonder what else I am wrong about? Food for thought!

Thursday?

2010-09-16T10:16:00.000+10:00

Been a crazy week... so a few random updates... I feel a proper blog coming on... about comfort zones and change.. but it is still a bit vague in my head so maybe later today....

New kitten (Max) has cat flu :(. He is snuffling and sneezing. The vet says he is fine and that most cats going through the RSPCA get it. But he is so miserable. He also seems to adore me as much as I adore him. He follows me with his eyes when he is too sleepy to follow physically. Missy (2.5 year old cat) is adjusting well to her new housemate.

Work is crazy crazy. Lots of late nights (11pm last two nights) and no late starts. I was saying to my sister that I would not mind so much if I loved my work or I got paid by the hour instead of by the day! But what I do love is doing my job well, so I will do the required hours and keep hoping for that door to open to a career I love that pays as well as this one! I fell into this career 15 years ago via an unexpected opening... And I loved it for the first 7 or so years... so I can hope the same happens again!

I saw my doctor yesterday for a routine check up... and came away with three referrals! 2 are standard... with Dad's cancer and me now turning 40 I am about to have the first of many colonoscopies. I need to see the psychiatrist who diagnosed my ADD last year to get an ongoing licence for the medication. But the last referral was kind of unexpected. Because of my ADD diagnosis I am entitled to a 'team care' program. This means I can get 5 physio/pilates/massage sessions with a medicare rebate. The cost to me will be about $10 per session and will help with my very tense neck and shoulders, help strengthen my core and also with my hip! How awesome is that??

I am going to save my 'journey to a better me' updates for another blog. They are not exciting... but I feel change brewing...

Nameless Kitten photos...

2010-09-11T21:25:00.001+10:00

Still nameless, but now photographed :)

Saturday

2010-09-11T20:11:00.000+10:00

Lovely day!

Dad's early-ish to help with more clearing out, packing and shifting hay bales. Worked about 6 hours there.

Went to the RSPCA and we now have a new 3mth old kitten (to be named!) which is currently trying to make friends with our 2.5 year old cat (Missy).

I made a bacon and rice fritatta. Now this is news as it is a bit of a step forward for me. I don't like eggs. I have been trying to introduce them but it's been tough. But as a coeliac there are many times when it would be so helpful if I ate them. A few weeks ago at my glass slumping class I ate my first fritatta and was surprised how much I liked it. I found a recipe and made my own tonight. And it was fine! Next step is an omelette... but the rice fritatta is a good forward step in the meantime!

Now watching footy on the TV while laughing at the antics of our cats.... Missy (the older one) is being grumpy but is coming around by the minute.

Oops - not myself?

2010-09-09T18:52:00.000+10:00

It seems my extreme tiredness was gluten related this week.
It has finally worn off (after a day off work today and 15 hours sleep).

So a few things will now happen:

I will find it easier to make good food choices without my body calling out for energy dense foods
My attitude will improve
My energy levels will improve

Can't argue with those improvements!

A small dilemma

2010-09-08T18:48:00.000+10:00

I really want a wardrobe revamp.... I want to shop with a personal stylist... I have set aside some money from my tax return to do this... but part of me is holding back.

My concerns include:

wasting money I should put towards our mortgage buffer
trying to look good when losing weight would achieve the same
no clothes at my size looking good anyway
what if I don't like the stylists style... I can decide not to buy the clothes but her hourly rate has to be paid anyway

My reasons to want to do it:

I believe feeling confident will help me lose weight
I have to wear clothes what ever my weight so I may as well look the best I can while losing weight and not wait for goal
the ideas I am taught for dressing for my shape will still apply when I am slim as my basic shape will not change

My options:

Just do it
Book it for January (sales) and hope to have lost more weight by then (but not set it as a reward, book it regardless)
Forget it until I am slim and decide then if I even need it

Opinions?

The 'enemy'

2010-09-08T15:03:00.000+10:00

Something Sean (link) wrote the other day really resonated with me.

Food is NOT the enemy.

What Sean wrote about was realising that he was the reason he was overweight, not food.

I am probably repeating Sean in what I am going to write, but I need to put my thoughts in my words....

I am not the enemy either. This is my life. Not a war.

Food is a requirement for life.

Food can be healthy (or not), delicious (or not) but it is always going to be part of my life.

Making food a negative in my life won’t ever work, or at least not for long.

My journey to becoming the best me is mainly an internal one. It is about changing the way I think and behave.

One of the key changes for me is about changing my approach from a battle plan to a series of personal goals.

Another is learning to accept who I am now, that the journey to the best me is part of my life, not a break from life where everything else is on hold until I become a new and improved me.

Food is not the enemy, and neither am I.

Random thoughts - in 3 parts

2010-09-07T10:31:00.000+10:00

An observation

My body is pretty clever.

Aside from the obvious breathing, beating, healing, growing, moving and feeling that is.

It tells me clearly what it needs.

Sometimes I can’t give it what it needs.

So it tells me what I can substitute.

I am learning to really listen to it.

And it is pretty clever.

~*~*~*~*~*~

Me update

My past few days have been a bit all over the place.

Friday night I went to the footy – first final – and my team won with a last minute free kick. The emotional roller coaster of the last 10 minutes of the game was exhilarating to say the least!

Then Saturday we cancelled the trip to Dad’s. He needed a weekend off. So we went to the RSPCA (still no cat or dog that we both loved), gluten free shop, supermarket and shopping for fathers day. Then we relaxed for the rest of the afternoon and evening. Great day.

Sunday started slowly, then we headed off to lunch for Father’s Day. Had a fantastic meal at Rockpool and managed to stay for 4 hours! I love spending time with my family. I ate naturally. I ordered food I love and ate to the point of satisfaction not fullness. The food was amazing, but the company was why I was there. Watching my Dad make paper planes for my nephew, teasing my brother about his girlfriends, talking clothes and accessories with my sister. That is what makes a great fathers day.

When we got home I fell asleep on the couch. Ian woke me about 10:30pm after nearly 4 hours sleep. Of course I then could not get back to sleep until 3am! 7am alarm nearly killed me, I was so sleepy. I felt drugged! I am guessing I either had a virus or ate something with gluten over the weekend.

This is where I had to really listen to my body. It wanted sleep but I had to go to work. And instead of heading for high energy food to keep me awake I went for nuts and seeds. I was really glad I did that as I felt much better. I was flat out at work all day, didn’t leave until 8pm, but other than dozing in the taxi I slept in my normal pattern last night and woke feeling normal again today.

But I am having nuts and seeds for breakfast again anyway.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Food and smiles

I am working on liking eggs – being coeliac having eggs for breakfast would be a great option for me. I just don’t like them! But when I did my glass slumping class I had an Italian style omelette with rice in it and really enjoyed it! I found a recipe over the weekend so will try making it myself soon. That would be great as I think I can work my way from things like that to things with more egg and less things to hide the flavour and texture!

That is also where the ‘listen to my body but find substitutes’ comes in. Sometimes there are limited gluten free options so I need to find the one that most closely matches what my body needs. Fresh fruit, vegetables, meat, nuts and seeds are all gluten free so it is not that hard… you just have to watch how things are prepared if you are not cooking yourself.

And sometimes I eat purely for joy. The MCG has gluten free meat pies and that is a footy tradition I have had to live without for a long time. So when it is finals time and I am at the MCG to watch the Saints I indulge in a gf pie. Not because my body needs it but because it makes me smile.

This may make no sense...

2010-09-02T13:10:00.000+10:00

My title was going to be: Parallel Journeys

But I am not even sure anyone else will follow my random ramblings... so I renamed it.

Becoming the best me is a holistic journey. It is physical, mental, emotional and spiritual.

The old way:

In 2008 I got to my goal weight by following weight watchers but without changing my thought processes. It was actually really easy. But I didn’t stay at goal. In fact it took 8 months to lose 54lb and 8 months to put it back on. I was at goal for about 4 weeks in total.

A few times after that I lost some weight but it always went back on.

I often went back to weight watchers, but I struggled to make progress for more than a month at a time.

Then in about 2004 I discovered and started changing the subconscious beliefs that were stopping me staying at my best weight.

I spent a lot of time discovering and changing these ideas that had taken hold.

Then I went back to weight watchers and still struggled to make progress for more than a month at a time.

So I went back to a psychologist and dealt with more issues.

And then I went back to weight watchers and still struggled to make progress for more than a month at a time.

Then I found out I had ADD. I was put on ADD medication and also had more therapy. I learned more about myself than I ever had before.

And then I went back to weight watchers and still struggled to make progress for more than a month at a time.

In between weight watchers attempts I also tried a variety of other weight loss methods (excluding crash diets!). None succeeded.

The new way:

In the past few months my approach has changed quite a bit.

It needed to.

I had to change some more beliefs.

Just because weight watchers got me to my goal weight once 12 years ago does not mean it is the way I will get to my healthy weight and stay there. Just because ‘eating when hungry’ seems too simple does not mean it doesn’t work. Just because my weight loss is more slow than steady does not mean I will not reach goal faster than sticking to a ‘plan’ for a month then feeling like garbage for not sticking to it for the next 11 months. If it takes 11 years that is success given I have not got there trying other methods in the past 12 years.

I do not have to sort out one part of ‘me’ at a time. I can lose weight, get strong, discover my artistic side, consider career options, discover new friends, rediscover old friends, read self help books, and change hair styles all in parallel.

This may mean that this week I move forward more in one area than another. But next week that might change again. It might mean that today I am busy at work and don’t really improve anything expect my overtime. And that is ok.

I have identified 2 non negotiables for now: daily breakfast and 3 times per week floor work.

These will be added to over time. When I am ready for the next step.

This is my life. I choose the path I take on any given day. This is not a race.

Because even as I am right now, today, I am ok. If nothing changes I am still a good person. Some people even like me just the way I am. They won’t like me any more or less if I am slim or fit or a painter or a runner.

Motivation = $5.95

2010-08-30T19:32:00.000+10:00

Yep. Five dollars and 95 cents.

It got me a '21 days to change a habit' notepad from kikki-k.

Who knew that was all I needed to be motivated??

I love the little tick boxes and want to be on track so I can put in my ticks!

So simple yet so effective.

What motivates you?

(PS - yes the text in my second line is a link so you can see what I am talking about :p)

Sunday

2010-08-29T23:07:00.000+10:00

Had a lovely day.

Went to the RSPCA to look for a new cat or dog. Didn't have any luck today but we will keep looking.

Went to Dad's and helped clear out part of the milk shed (converted to a living area) and the 4th (last!) shipping container. We will be back next Saturday to do some more.

Came home and had a Nanna nap.

Then tonight I finally listened to my hypnotherapy CD!

That was followed by my floor work.

Had breakfast daily.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

On a totally separate note, I had an interesting occurrence last week. I had run out of my ADD/ADHD meds and kept forgetting to collect then. I probably went a week without them all up. Then I took them again on Thursday and Friday morning and they made my hyperactive! I have stopped taking them again until I see my GP (will need to make an appointment which means about 3 weeks wait). It may be the dose has become too high for some reason. I wonder if it is related at all to my atlas alignment? Nothing else has changed as a result of that! Oh well.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Today I am grateful:

For my husband and his willingness to spend our weekends helping my Dad
For my Dad and quality time spent with him
For my Mum and her coming home from holiday in another week or so
For my brother and his ability to make me laugh
For my sister and her generosity
For family, friends, love and laughter ♥

Saturday Night....

2010-08-28T20:38:00.000+10:00

And yes I am at home blogging!

Today was my glass slumping class which I really enjoyed! I don't get the finished products until next week (18 hours in the kiln) but I really enjoyed the process and the things I learned.

And a few minutes ago I applied to be part of a makeover show! LMAO. I don't imagine I will be chosen, but there is no harm applying!

I know I say this all the time, but Gok Wan is one of my heroes. His 'How to look good naked - with a difference' shows have had me in tears. He seems to be such a wonderful person!

Sadly it is not his makeover show I have applied for.

I got a new phone last night - I did all the sums (twice!) and we are actually saving money by changing our phones, pay tv, internet etc to a 'bundle'. It is a HTC Desire and I am having fun with it so far!

That is all my news... how are you?

Just doing it

2010-08-26T12:00:00.000+10:00

It is quite amazing how much simpler my life is when I do not over plan or over complicate.

There are things I love to do in life.

There are things I want to achieve.

Then there are the things I need to do to allow me to do and have the things I love.

These include: housework, working, eating breakfast and doing floor work three times a week.

None of these things are optional.

None of these things I enjoy.

All of these things I now do (well the housework and work have been part of my life quite some time now!).

My weekly schedule regarding household tasks (such as housework, grocery shopping, paperwork etc) kind of fell by the wayside. It was simple but obviously didn’t work for us or we would have maintained it. I think the issue is DH has random days where his work does not require him and I have random days where I work late without notice. This combination meant so many ad hoc changes to the schedule that it became fairly irrelevant. I would love to live a life with more routine for those basic tasks, but that is just not how my job works.

(a bullet point free blog!)

Reporting In

2010-08-24T19:20:00.000+10:00

Floor work done tonight
No breakfast though as I seem to have picked up a tummy bug.
Pretty happy with my progress over the past week - all 3 sessions of floor work and 6 out of 7 breakfasts :)

7 days into the 28 required for a new habit.

Random Updates

2010-08-23T20:32:00.000+10:00

The party was fine. My wonderful DH gave me so many genuine compliments before I left that I felt gorgeous! Once there it was much smaller than I imagined and I spent the evening with my school friends (and one of their daughters who is 15 and just delightful).

We had our election and 2 days later still don't have an outcome!

My team won the footy.

And Sunday was a lovely day helping dad and my step mum with more moving and sorting.

I did my floor work again yesterday.

I have eaten breakfast daily.

I confess to not yet having listened to the hypnotherapy CD though. Not sure why. I am sure I will when I am ready.

Work is really stressful. New offices are not nearly as nice as where we were. Although the walk to and from the station is a handy 10 minutes. We have too much work and not enough support. I was a bit snappy today with the team, but I apologised to each of them individually and I think we are ok :)

I keep forgetting to get my concerta prescription from the pharmacy! I probably need to get it and take some to help with the stress levels if nothing else.

Bonus Dose of Motivation

2010-08-21T19:32:00.000+10:00

Tonight, soon, I am heading off to a 40th birthday party for a friend from high school. There will be a few other high school friends, but it will be mostly people I don't know.

This is my nightmare combination.

Strangers, a party and my obesity.

Of course it is my obesity and the insecurity associated with it that makes this my nightmare.

I used to love parties and meeting strangers.

I am meant to be there in 30 minutes. My hair is still wet, my face makeup free and I have no idea what to wear!

I let my DH off the hook as a couple of the other school friends will not have their husbands there and my DH hates meeting strangers even more than I do.

Motivation plus.

How much better would I be feeling right now if I was at or even closer to goal.

Immeasurably.

Self inflicted and now I must go dress and face my demons...

A party should NOT feel like such an ordeal!

Accountability:

2010-08-19T22:11:00.002+10:00

I did my floor work tonight. It was a short version due to my recent alignment, but right now it is the habit that is most important.

I ate breakfast today, a lovely banana smoothie.

I have not yet listened to my hypnotherapy CD. I got home from work at nearly 10pm last night so will do it tonight instead.

Secrets of Success?

2010-08-19T21:54:00.001+10:00

Based on lots of watching other people reach goal while I remain obese, I have noticed some common factors in many of these successes:

Honesty and accountability
A connection with some sort of support group
Following a plan without switching and changing randomly
Believing in that plan
An understanding that this journey is (approximately :p) 80% mental, 15% food and 5% sweat

Of course the National Weight Loss Registry has theories too:

“We have also started to learn about how the weight loss was accomplished:

45% of registry participants lost the weight on their own and the other 55% lost weight with the help of some type of program.
98% of Registry participants report that they modified their food intake in some way to lose weight.
94% increased their physical activity, with the most frequently reported form of activity being walking.

There is variety in how NWCR members keep the weight off. Most report continuing to maintain a low calorie, low fat diet and doing high levels of activity.

78% eat breakfast every day.
75% weigh themselves at least once a week.
62% watch less than 10 hours of TV per week.
90% exercise, on average, about 1 hour per day.”

Less planning, more action

2010-08-18T11:27:00.000+10:00

I tend to procrastinate

I love to plan

Action I am not so good at!

So here is my planning (minimal and final) and the actions I will take starting today!

Lets keep it simple. 3 things I wish to do:

Floor work 3 times per week
Listen to hypno CD again to refocus on listening to my body and its food needs
Eat breakfast

Why I wish to do them:

Floor work

Make me strong
Allow me to complete C25K once my hip is strong enough

Hunger Awareness

Allows me to eat what I truly want to eat when my body needs food
Helps me lose weight with zero feelings of effort or deprivation

Breakfast

I lose more weight when I have breakfast and also am much less grumpy

Real action requires dates and commitments:

New morning routine to incorporate breakfast (working backwards):

7:30am Leave
7:25am Dress
7:10am Teeth and makeup
6:55am Breakfast
6:50am Hair
6:45am get up

Existing evening routine includes shower and getting out clothes and accessories for following day
Tuesday, Thursday and either Saturday or Sunday: Floor work
Tonight I will listen to my hypnotherapy CD

Wants and needs

2010-08-18T10:50:00.000+10:00

What I want:

To be slim
To be a runner
To work 3 days a week
To not have money stress
To have a holiday every year
To have a cleaner

What I need:

To be healthy

What I want to do:

Paint
Be a teacher
Walk on the beach

What I need to do:

Core work 3 times per week
Focus on hunger and eat only when hungry
Work 5 days per week in IT or decide to significantly downsize our mortgage

These lists were off the top of my head and I resisted the urge to go back and update and synchronise. It interests me that the different questions prompted different answers.

This was not how this blog was going to be... it was going to be a list of health goals and actions... guess I need a second blog now!

Tuesday Randomness

2010-08-17T14:05:00.000+10:00

We had a close call with our poor cat this morning.

To set the scene:

My cat loves to come out to the garage with me in the morning and run into the front yard when I open the garage door. This is despite her having often just been outside.

The garage door has started playing up and often opens only a few inches before it stops. Sometimes if you close and open it again it works. Other times you need to switch off the power to the door and reset it.

Today both these things happened.

The difference is that the cat was impatient to get out and DH was at the door control with his car blocking the view of the bottom of the door.

And the cat tried to squeeze under the door as DH lowered it to try again. The safety switch kicked in as the door hit the cat, but she was trapped with her head one side and body the other. The door would not raise or lower as the safety switch was activated. Actually that was lucky as DH not being able to see the cat may have tried to lower further. As it was we managed (well DH) to raise the door enough for the cat to escape, unharmed. (Yes, logic says pull the release cord, but logic is far away when something like this happens!). When the cat returned (after 5 minutes of pure stress as we had not got a chance to see if she was harmed before she ran off) we were so relieved to see she was unharmed if a little shaken.

Anyway. The cat is fine. I am trying to keep busy so the image of the poor cat trapped beneath the door does not linger. And trying to get that ‘can’t get you out of my head’ song lyric to go away too!

I was let down by my friend on Sunday. She wanted a girl’s afternoon of watching footy at my place with friends of hers that follow our team… we arranged it for Sunday and then she cancelled Sunday morning (as the other guests were her friends they also cancelled). She had an excuse, probably valid, but she cancels often and I keep letting it hurt me. It makes me more motivated to make new friends. And on Monday I had lunch with a new friend. Not to replace this friend who has been in my life nearly 30 years and is very special to me, but to allow me to rely less on her.

Weight loss is plodding along. Seem to be eating less chocolate. Still not doing floor/core work. Totally because I am not making any effort to do it! I must get motivated as I really truly honestly want to run!

We are considering getting a puppy… I think it will be better for the cat than a grown dog… but rescue centres rarely have puppies… we can’t afford or really want a pure breed… and I hate the idea of buying from a pet store and possibly encouraging puppy farming… and also our recent 5 day dog experience has made me a bit wary… so we will see how it goes… not rushing into it. After all it took 2 years to decide I really wanted a dog in the first place… and now I have doubts again! Doggy smell in the house… poop scooping… dug up gardens and chewed up shoes… dog hair in the house… all up against daily walks, love, fun, smiles, meeting people through obedience classes etc etc… more good than bad… but is the bad more than I am willing to live with??

I have a few busy weekends coming up. Saturday includes voting in our federal election (voting at all levels of government from local to federal is mandatory in Australia FYI), footy and a surprise 40^th party. Sunday will be at Dad’s helping out with decluttering and emptying storage containers. DH wants to see a movie in there somewhere too. Next weekend is my glass slumping class although I think Sunday is free. After that weekends will be kept free in September until I know if and when my footy team is playing as the finals will start and they do not do each week’s fixture until the previous weeks games are completed. Spare days will be spent at Dad’s as they move from 100 acres to 2.5 in early October. Lots of stuff to clear out before then!! Can’t wait til they live 4km away instead of 30 minutes though!

Wow, it seems I had a lot to say. If you are still reading here is my grateful list:

My cat is unharmed
I am married to a wonderful man who makes me laugh and gives me goosebumps when he kisses me
I am employed and live in a lovely house
It is tax return season so soon we will have an increased mortgage buffer
I am making new friends

Atlas Alignment Update

2010-08-13T21:19:00.002+10:00

The treatment was fine, not what I expected at all (much less aggressive I guess).

Now I am waiting. It can take days or weeks for anything to change. If anything does.

So I am on what I have been calling 'random affliction improvement watch'.

I have been making a joke of it cos really I am just doing random mental checks of my body to see if anything has changed yet... it's been 72 hours and no changes yet! I really hope I have not just paid that money for nothing... but there are no guarantees that anything will improve.

I go back in 3 weeks for a check up.

Chinese - Capital Children's Choir

2010-08-12T20:33:00.001+10:00

I am not very musical. I have no tone or rhythm. And I often sit at home in silence rather than play music.

But some songs are just beautiful.

This is one of my favourites.

I hope you enjoy it.

Me things

2010-08-09T12:43:00.000+10:00

Me thing #1

Did I mention how wonderful it was to have a husband who supports me in being me? Yesterday I mentioned that I wanted to decorate the top of one of our wooden trestle tables to use in my exercise/painting room. These currently cannot be used without a table cloth as I painted them in white ‘milk’ paint some years ago and everything both sticks to and marks the surface.

My ideas were:

Cover the top in photos and pictures and then a sheet of Perspex
Wallpaper the top
Cover the top in photos and pictures and lacquer

Well it seems that a Perspex sheet will set me back about $100.

It also seems that wallpaper shops are in short supply where I live.

So I am now the proud owner of a can of water based lacquer and some new brushes. And lots of pictures cut out of my magazine collection.

And this all came about because my ever so supportive husband happily went from shop to shop yesterday with me to gather the information and finally the lacquer. Proudly calling me ‘his artistic wife’ to various shop assistants. With accompanying husbandly eye rolls of course.

When I told him how wonderful it was to be so fully supported in just being me he became even prouder.

Today at lunch I am going to hunt down more sources of paper, brochures etc to use to decorate my table top. I have decided against photos as they already cover one wall of my ‘Fiona Room’. I plan to get many many bits so that I can lay it all out and choose the ones that appeal the most. Lacquering them on will mean I will be stuck with my creation for some time!

Me thing #2

I am booked in to have a treatment (Tuesday 6pm) with to have my upper cervical spine aligned. This is based on a recommendation from my GP who has also had this done. If even a few of the things that is may fix are fixed I should feel much better! Some of her patients have had lowered blood pressure, reduced ADHD symptoms, reduced back and joint pain… any of those would be great! It is not cheap. So I am really hoping it works for at least one or two things. Then again, cheap is relative. Much cheaper than our dog who we no longer have.

Me thing #3

I have lost the weight gain the scales showed last week. 1kg (2lb) in 2 days. Shows you that scale numbers are very arbitrary! Cos I did not make any changes that I noticed. I really do love this way of eating. And losing. Last night I also did a lot of stretches. I got the mat out from my wardrobe and put it in the lounge. It is ugly and messy but when it is out I use it! It is something I need to do for me.

Grateful List

Today I am grateful for many things:

Getting in touch with my creative side
My husband
My family and friends
My boss and colleagues
Our cat who makes me laugh so often

Random Updates

2010-08-05T12:03:00.001+10:00

I was thinking about the joy of unconditional acceptance. And how it made it easier to both be and accept myself.

And how family acceptance is wonderful but just not the same as a complete stranger falling in love with the authentic, unadulterated, warts ‘n’ all me.

About how being able to be comfortable being 100% me around someone enables me to enjoy being me. And also enables me to be 100% me around others. And enjoy it.

And I was going to write a long blog about it.

Then I got bogged down in stuff about how I was possessive and insecure in my relationships and struggled to let new people into my life. And that was boring and depressing and the past. So I deleted it.

Then I got distracted by telling one of the guys on my team about how I got a new game for my DS last night and was so excited and raced to play it… only to discover it was a game I already had that had been renamed :(. He laughed which made me feel good. So I told a couple more people. Of course when I told them it was longer and funnier. I promise.

Then I had breakfast. A gluten free toasted sandwich with chicken, tomato and cheese accompanied by a skinny hot chocolate.

I feel all warm inside now.

I enjoy making people smile. I enjoy warm food on a cold winters morning.

It has been a long time since I wrote a grateful list. I have a lot to be grateful for. But the first 5 that come to me are:

My husband
My family
My friends
Self acceptance
Gainful employment

Wheel of Life

2010-08-03T11:28:00.000+10:00

Wheel of Life

A topic I come back to a lot.

Today I was feeling flat so utilised the wheel of life template to remind myself how good life actually was. And it is really good.

I scored my life 7 or above for Career, Friends & Family, Significant Other, Personal Growth, Fun & Recreation and Physical Environment.

My wheel of life has 2 areas with a score lower than 7 (5 years ago this was usually the opposite; I rarely had more than one or two areas above 7!). And luckily for me both of these areas are within my control. Probably way too much detail for my blog, but it feels helpful to me to write it all down.

Money

The lowest score for me is my ‘money’ sector. This is self inflicted and can be fixed by me too. I earn good money, but I am not good at saving. I also have high expectations of myself and how much I save and invest. But I have very clear goals to get to a point where money stops causing me stress.

Where I am at:

We have a mortgage that takes up 50% of my monthly net pay. DH could not pay the mortgage if I was out of work. Income protection insurance (which I do have) only kicks in if you are physically unable to work.
I have an over draft, a personal loan and a car loan
I have little job security and no savings
We have not had a proper holiday in nearly 2 years
We have a long list of thing we want to do to make our house a home

The choices that got me here:

I am a contractor so I do not get paid if I am not at work, and I do not have a lot of job security (who does these days!). I base my budget on working 40 weeks per year to compensate for these two facts.
I do get paid more as a contractor but I have let my expenses get to the stage where I need my contracting rates to cover expenses.
I borrowed money to make improvements to my previous house three years ago and the loan is still being paid off
I took out a car loan 2 years ago to buy a new car instead of buying something older
My DH was out of work for quite a while and even now is only ‘casual’ so does not have a steady income. I continued to assume he would get a job ‘any day’ for a year. I should have started battening down the hatches and saving money instead.
We moved to a lovely house last year and that came with a bigger mortgage.
I chose to spend money on some new furniture when we moved in instead of creating a bigger mortgage buffer
I chose to take time off over Christmas with the associated lower pay packets

What I am doing to fix it:

I made a budget based on my income alone and do my best to stick to it. DH’s earnings are a bonus rather than a necessity and can go towards our mortgage.
We plan to put our tax returns towards my over draft and to boost our mortgage “buffer”. My goal is to have 3 months income on the mortgage (or 6 months mortgage repayments) plus airfares to the UK in case of emergency (such as DH’s Mum getting ill. She is 75). To reach this goal may also require next years tax returns. But reach it we will and feel a lot more comfortable for it.
I pay approximately 20% extra off the mortgage each month to contribute to the buffer. This was 30% before interest rates went up!
I pay extra off my personal loan each month (approximately 300% extra)
I pay the minimum off my car loan as this has early pay out penalties. Once the personal loan is paid out then that money will switch to the car loan and pay it out early but not so early we get penalties.

Health

Health is the other area I score below 7 in. Again this is in my control.

The things that bother me are:

My weight
My hip
My blood pressure

The fixes for these are interrelated:

My weight is improving through my mindful eating.

My improving weight will improve my hip and my blood pressure

My hip requires core work and stretching. I need to really work on this.

Improving my hip will enable me to exercise more which in turn will help with my weight and my blood pressure

My blood pressure is well controlled with medication but I also plan to have a treatment strongly recommended by my doctor relating to correcting a misalignment of my upper cervical spine. This she believes will also help my blood pressure. The therapist who she recommends is on leave until Monday so I cannot yet make an appointment.

So there we have it. Life is great and the things that need improving are within my control.

So why do I still feel flat?

Sunday already!

2010-08-01T22:01:00.000+10:00

Quick update cos I need to head to bed.

Had a lovely weekend of birthday celebrations. Been fabulous catching up with family and friends.

Food wasn't bad until today - afternoon tea at the Windsor Hotel in Melbourne! But I did not eat past 'satisfied' and I left much on my plate. Still ate more than I needed though.

Will try to find time to write a decent blog this week!

I have read some blogs but not commented, too busy.

Buster Update

2010-07-29T12:54:00.002+10:00

Sadly Buster wanted to eat our cat.

So today he was surrendered in order to find a home that was cat free.

He has a lovely personality (other than his wanting to kill the cat of course) so I hope he is successful.

Expensive mistake, but these things happen.

My body philosophy

2010-07-27T13:54:00.003+10:00

I thought I would share with you some of my new approach to my body. I will use (my favourite) point form and just tell you the thoughts as they come to me:

My body knows best. I listen to it's signals and cravings. I eat when hungry and I eat the thing that will most satisfy me (based on the available options).
No food is banned, bad, limited, avoided (other than gluten of course due to my coeliac disease!)
Food is not the enemy. Food is a combination of fat, protein and carbs. Food is a combination of flavours and textures. Food gives me pleasure and fuel to do what I need to do each day. Food gives me much needed minerals and vitamins to repair and strengthen my body. Food is not why I am obese. I am.
I weigh myself when I feel the urge, and if the number is higher than my last WI I ignore it and try again another day. I no longer record weight gains because they are temporary aberrations
I do not count points, calories, fat etc. But I do have a lot of knowledge from years and years of following WW. That knowledge helps guide my choices.
I exercise for fun, fitness, my new dog, strength and to clear my mind
I take time each day to do something purely for stress relief
I try to remember what an amazing thing my body is. I try to celebrate all the good things. I try to take care of my body so it supports me into the very old age I hope to live to.

This is very different to the approaches I have tried for years. I always felt I needed strong guidelines and 'caps' such as point or calorie limits in order to lose weight. For me that meant ignoring my body (ie hunger and fullness signals) and eating low point/calorie meals to enable enough 'room' in my allowance for treats. I know that many many people are successful counting points or calories, but I needed to change my approach cos for me that was just not working.

I love my new approach... it is kind of the anti diet. It comes so naturally and I am losing weight!

Thanks for reading :)

New training device....

2010-07-24T19:04:00.000+10:00

Meet Buster.

We 'rescued' him from a shelter this morning. He is a 2 year old Labrador cross (crossed with many things!) with a gentle personality. He loves attention and affection and will be fabulous once he and the cat are ready to be allowed to be in the same room together!

Quick Update - Friday

2010-07-23T13:18:00.002+10:00

Well I slept much better after my brain dump!

And today I have:

Called my hairdresser at 10am (when he opened, I tried many times before that!) to find he could fix my fringe if I got there before 11am! I jumped in a taxi ($13 each way – well spent) and went out to Albert Park. He fixed my fringe (shorter and fuller) free of charge (not a question of that) and I jumped in a taxi back to work! Was at my desk again by 10:40am.

Booked my waxing for Thursday night.

Booked a blow dry the morning of my party.

Decided (though not yet discussed with DH!!) to wait two more weeks before we get a dog.

That allows tomorrow for shopping for a new top!

Work is chaos and lunch is just not going to happen. Meetings and updates required every 30 minutes!

Get out of my head!!

2010-07-22T23:33:00.001+10:00

Too much swimming around in my head - so afraid you get a brain dump to read!

Can I squeeze in a trip to my hairdressers to fix my new fringe (it's too long and not full enough) or do I go to a local one?

What should I wear to my 40th? It's a BBQ at home... I need a new top to wear with jeans... uugghhh I hate top shopping... (yes losing more weight would help!)

Should we go get a dog Saturday or is that silly with the working bee at Dad's on Sunday and then the BBQ here next Saturday? Should we wait? What if the two cute dogs I have my eye on are gone in 2 weeks... uggghhh!

Why did DH hide my birthday gift in the cupboard in my exercise room?? I was looking for a book not my gift! At least it is something I wanted!

Why does my back hurt? Stress? Sitting too long at work today? Wonder how long before the nurofen kicks in?

Should I take my birthday off work (and lose a days pay) or go to work?

Ok, I think that is it...

Night all!

Quick Update

2010-07-22T12:30:00.000+10:00

I slept well last night! I was going to sleep in the spare bed as I was so stressed about keeping DH awake, but he convinced me to stay in our bed and I am glad I did cos there was no coughing and no stomach issues so I slept and so did he!

Amazing how much better a good nights sleep makes you feel!

Today I even feel slimmer. Not slim. Still obese. But my clothes feel a little less clingy.

I had an interesting issue yesterday. I was cold. And I seem to have no indoor warm clothing! I have outdoor coats and jackets. But only one jumper/pullover (which was in the wash). What did I wear last year?? Was I never cold? So today I hope to find some cheap warm clothing to wear at home etc when I feel cold. Of course going shopping will require me to stop blogging and leave my desk…

No Sleep

2010-07-21T10:22:00.002+10:00

My cough won’t go.

On days I am at home it is better – it doesn’t like office air apparently.

But I am keeping my DH awake.

And he has to drive all day.

Tired.

He can’t work from home like I can.

So last night there was no coughing.

But there was a stress induced stomach ache.

Which had me out of bed and in a warm bath at 3am.

Which woke up DH.

And he told me to come back to bed.

Which I misunderstood.

He sleeps badly when I am not beside him.

But last night he just wanted me to stay in one place.

Sadly I stayed beside him but could not get comfortable.

My stomach ache came with it’s very own back ache.

So DH slept badly from 3am.

At 5:30 when he got up, exhausted, I cried.

I am exhausted too.

But I can work from home.

I suggested he have a day off but he declined.

What if he has an accident?

Stress.

Tonight if I can’t sleep I will close the bedroom door and do what I need to do.

Without disturbing him.

I need sleep so badly.

So does he.

Sunday

2010-07-18T10:49:00.002+10:00

A very quick blog. An emotional day yesterday (nothing bad happened, just emotional). 12 hours sleep last night. And another small but steady loss today.

PS

2010-07-15T11:28:00.000+10:00

Jack of http://jackfit.blogspot.com/ has posted some photos I sent in to him on his blog.

I read his WIDTH blog last week and felt an urgent need to send in photos of my own. Immediately. Even with my scruffy hair and make up free face. I used eye liner and lip liner to go over the words when they didn't show up in pen rather than find something else. Not sure why the urgency... makes for some great 'looking my worst' photos though!!

The past year

2010-07-15T09:06:00.002+10:00

Last year I was diagnosed with mild ADD. At the age of 39. Most people who know me would not think I had ADD. I am intelligent (I can say that cos Mensa accepted me :p) and learned lots of ways to compensate.

Having said that, being diagnosed and being on ADD medication has drastically changed me. On the inside.

My external behaviour has barely changed.

But I now know myself so much better than I ever have.

I always tried to understand myself – I loved self help books and magazines.

For the first time I now feel that I kind of know who I am and how I work.

It’s a nice feeling.

And through this knowledge I have stopped banging my head against the brick wall that was my weight loss efforts. I know what works for me and I am sticking to that. It’s slow, but it works for me.

Of course there is still a lot to learn. I am complicated :p

But it is good to know I am making progress!

The photos

2010-07-13T20:31:00.000+10:00

This may only make sense if you read yesterdays word pictures!

I never realised how much more I would 'see' with a camera in my hand!

I noticed different buildings.

I noticed that Gucci and Louis Vuitton are on the two corners opposite two of the churches. All kinds of religions :p

It was fun!!

"Federation Square"

"Church # 1"

More of Federation Square

The circus tent I saw from the train - today the train didn't stop but I saw it again on my walk!

I never noticed this building before today!

The right hand window view from the train yesterday - taken as I walked past on my way to work today!

See the security guard poking his face out from the doorway? I thought he would be gone today! The eagle is part of the Grand Hyatt Hotel entrance.

Church # 2

Church # 3

Collins St :)

The office atrium - my desk just visible behind the light

My messy desk

Reminders of my goals :)

Word Pictures??

2010-07-12T10:15:00.001+10:00

Today I really wanted to blog in pictures, but I do not have my camera with me.

So instead I will try to paint word pictures. I am not very good at them as I tend to write without visual descriptors!

My train stopped just before the station I was planning to get off. For quite a while. I possibly should have got off the station before and changed trains. It gets me to work quicker, but I have less of a walk. I was sitting in the train, it was not very crowded and I had 2 vastly different views out each side of the train. To my right I had train tracks and overhead wires. The backs of some office buildings. Some trains in various states of age and condition. To the left I had a grassy hill, some trees and the roof of a circus tent – complete with colourful flags. Just behind the tent was a ferris wheel. The sun was shining and the sky blue. It was shining to the right as well, but sun on powerlines seemed harsh, on grass and a circus tent it seemed friendly and optimistic.

As I walked to work I passed 3 gorgeous churches. These are old buildings by Melbourne standards (the city was founded in 1835) and quite beautiful. Opposite one church is our controversial ‘Federation Square’. It is ‘love it or hate it’ architecture. It is modern and unique. Lots of open spaces and lots of angles, levels, steps, and corners. Personally I love it.

I also passed the Grand Hyatt Hotel which is recently refurbished and quite grand. It has a drive through forecourt which is unusual in a city centre hotel. They do a fabulous apple martini in the bar there J

I was surprised to pass an on duty security guard outside a nondescript building. I glanced inside as I walked and noticed a scientology web address on a window and many people with security passes around their necks. I wondered what was occurring, but being already late for work I keep on marching up the hill.

I turned the corner on to Collins St (and 2 of the churches). This I think is one of our most beautiful city streets. It is tree lined and wide. Lots of the buildings are older, and the new ones are shiny. It seems not much changed in the 60’s and 70’s so there are few concrete blocks! The trees have mostly dropped their leaves and spread their arms towards the sun. I passed exclusive shops mixed with the usual 7-11 and temporary bargain shops. I looked in windows and wondered who has $1000s of dollars for beads that look remarkably similar to the cheap ones next door.

I looked into the 7-11 as I already finished the Sudoku on the train (‘very easy’ really is ‘very easy’) and need another paper. It has none! I wondered why so many people wanted the Age this Monday morning.

Next stop was my office, it’s a pretty building with an atrium several floors high. We are 1 level up so I look out into open space. Behind me are windows through which we can watch grand final parades, protest marches, and occasional photo shoots at the tram stop below.

Tomorrow I will try to bring my camera, and you can compare my word pictures to real ones!

Friday!

2010-07-09T21:27:00.000+10:00

Friday already? Really? Cool!

Ok, this week...

Work has been a weird combination of busy and dead quiet. Phone calls while out at dinner tonight regarding urgent work when all day we had very little to do!

I have been struggling with doing something stress relieving every day, but I have at a minimum done something I enjoyed.

Food has been fine. Happy to report my cravings for chocolate have diminished greatly! I have really stopped thinking about food. I eat when I am hungry. And when I am not hungry it barely crosses my mind.

Still not doing my core work! But I will get there too. I have been walking a lot more. Short distances to pander to my hip, but more frequent.

I really am sick of pretending I don’t mind my obesity.

I am ready to be slim.

And even more important – ready to put myself first in order to get there. And stay there.

Monday

2010-07-05T23:07:00.002+10:00

Today was busy at work. Chaos busy. But the day flew!

Tonight I used some more Christmas gift vouchers (the hot stone massage was a Christmas gift!) and booked a “Glass Slumping Workshop For Beginners”. I don’t have a date yet, but as it is about 2 hours drive away will be a lovely day trip one Saturday soon.

I have not really done my stress relief today, so before bed I will be doing some meditation and stretching.

Life is good!

Sunday Updates

2010-07-04T10:32:00.001+10:00

EXERCISE:

I have to separate exercise and weight loss in my head. It has always been that way for me.

Exercise gives me many things:

Stress relief
Fitness
Strength
Health (eg lower blood pressure)

But let’s be honest, the amount I do is never going to burn significant calories.

The bonus for me is that I never have an urge to ‘rebel’ against exercise like I do healthy eating J

WATER:

I had a theory that my horrendous stomach spasms may be as simple as dehydration. 13 years of different theories (all proven wrong) had left me with no way of stopping them. But... it seems to be working! More water and my stomach settles. I slept through the night and woke up spasm free! Of course drinking more water has many benefits aside from being spasm free, but this is great incentive to drink plenty!

STRESS RELIEF:

Well Friday there was painting, and sleeping in, and the fabulous dinner at mums, and of course my hypnotherapy CD.

Saturday there was a 90 minute hot stone massage and a soak in the bath and some meditation/stretching (was meant to be just meditation but my cat was trying to join in and I kept giggling!)

Today so far there has been a walk of just over 2km to and around a small nature reserve near our house. My first time there and it was lovely to walk through the bush.

My goal is to do at least one thing each day purely for stress relief. Preferably two things, but one is ok as a start. I will do some stretching later as that is the price for a nice walk J

LIFE:

Well my Dad and step Mum have sold their 100 acre farm and had an offer accepted on a house on 2.5 acres. Their new house is much closer to where we live, and my step sister too. Dad will find out in 2 weeks if the SIRT treatment for his cancer is an option. To help them out and to say thanks for everything they do for us I am organising a working bee at the farm in a few weeks time. They are both hoarders so there is a lot to clean up. And so many people are really happy to have a way to do something for the two of them.

Our cat might also have cancer. I am not coping well with anything cancer related given Dads situation. And aside from that she is the most gorgeous cat. I hope that the vet was mistaken. If not then I may need to up the stress management!

Enough for today!

Hypnotherapy hyperactivity??

2010-07-02T23:31:00.001+10:00

Not sure if this is a coincidence... but after listening to my hypnotherapy CD today I felt so GOOD that I was hyperactive and crazy silly. Was not sugar or food colouring this time!

It was marvellous.

Mum did my early birthday dinner. 4 courses of deliciousness! Shall I share? I feel full but not stuffed.

Risotto balls

Lamb shank with mint mash potato

Vanilla pannacotta with passionfruit

Chocolates and macaroons with tea/coffee

Several glasses of champagne.

I feel full just writing that down!

Today was lovely.

Slept til noon. Seriously.

Then watched last nights episode of masterchef

Painted the painting for Ian (not a success) and the one for Eve's room (a success)

Listened to hypnotherapy CD

Went grocery shopping

Went for dinner (see above!)

Thought about how to make sure I do my core work. The only thing that works is having the mat out where I can see it. Ian hates it lying about, but will have to live with it I am afraid.

A great Friday :)

"That" Moment

2010-07-01T10:40:00.003+10:00

Last night I had an incident that reminded me that being obese is not a comfortable situation.

Some of you may know that one of my biggest weight loss issues is that my weight does not bother me enough to encourage the changes I need to make.

Last night it did.

I sat in a seat on the train. A middle seat. My butt fit (my butt is not the biggest bit of me) but my torso did not. I could not lean back. So after about 20 secs, and surely fire engine red, I stood up again. And a skinny guy took the seat while I stood up until an aisle seat became free.

Last night my obesity caused me physical and emotional discomfort (standing on the train for 30 minutes is not comfortable at my weight after a day at work).

Tomorrow I have a day off.

I will be listening to my hypnotherapy CD.

I will paint some pictures.

I will find time to work out a way to have me doing my floor/core work regularly so I can get back to my cardio.

I have lost 2kg in the past 10 weeks. More luck than good management. It is time to get serious.

I am 40 in 29 days. I don’t mind getting older. I have more pride in who I am now than I did 10 or even 5 years ago. There thing I really want to change is my size. There is a lot about me that is far from perfect, but I can embrace my faults when they do not cause harm to me or others. My weight on the other hand is causing me harm.

The scary truth

2010-07-01T10:40:00.000+10:00

Marlin:       I promised I’d never let anything happen to him (Nemo).
Dory:          Hmm. That’s a funny thing to promise.
Marlin:       What?
Dory:          Well, you can’t never let anything happen to him. Then nothing would ever happen to him. Not much fun for little Harpo.

A little ‘Finding Nemo’ that was used to illustrate a point today on Craig Harpers blog.

The point being that getting out of your comfort zone is scary… but staying in it is worse.

I believe that I embrace change, but it turns out that part of me only applies when the change is easy to do. Move house, move countries, change jobs, change my hair. All easy changes I love to embrace.

Get slim and fit? Not so much.

Why?

Because it is hard work. Because I have failed in the past and I hate failing. It is hard to ‘fail’ at moving house. It is much easier to ‘fail’ at weight loss. Especially when you have ‘failed’ so many times before.

And what does this mean?

It means I have to be brutally honest with myself.

It means I can’t say ‘I am comfortable being obese’ as an excuse for staying that way. That sentence is laughable, but I have taken to using it often and seriously.

I am not comfortable being obese. I am just scared of failure.

Why am I scared of failure?

Well to be honest weight loss is all I have really tried and failed at. I have been very lucky and academic success came my way fairly easily. I have no hand eye coordination but rather than failing at ball sports I just didn’t try. I was a failure at ‘relationships’ for a long time but then I found out why, fixed the issue and was able to move forward. Weight loss scares me because there is no way to avoid trying it even though I have failed at it in the past. There is no ‘issue’ for me to fix to make the path forward easier.

I just have to face my fears and move forward.

You may have noticed my absence...

2010-05-26T12:06:00.000+10:00

I have not had a lot to say... but I feel the need to blog fizzing and bubbling up inside me....

So here I go, my life in subject headings....

Weight Loss:
I am kind of maintaining. I lose a little, gain a little. I stopped doing WW as right now I am just not working it. Instead (in the past few weeks) I have been focussing on mindful eating (my interpretation of it!) which includes: eating when hungry, eating consciously and not on the run, eating the food that I feel will satisfy me the most (physically, emotionally and mentally), stopping when I have had enough. I am doing this about 60% of the time which is a good start I think. I certainly have been eating less. It is amazing how much junk food loses appeal when it is no longer an 'indulgence' but something I can eat all day if it is what I really want! Turns out mostly what I really want is fresh meat and vegetables as long as they have lots of flavour.

Exercise:
Not such a pretty picture. My hip is really sore, and it is my fault. I am not stretching or strengthening and I know I will feel so much better if I do at least stretch! I really want to do cardio but somehow that is not translating into motivation to do what my hip needs. Working on it.

Life:
Mostly good. A few things that will improve (eg finances when DH gets full time work and I get a few months of overtime) and some that won't (eg Dad's cancer is now 'inoperable' which means 'incurable') but overall life is good.

So how are you?

Tuesday Already?

2010-04-27T11:15:00.003+10:00

Still got sore throat. Got asked Friday if I was going to get a job as a phone sex person!

It was a long weekend for us (Anzac Day) and it was busy!

Saturday – birthday BBQ for 2 year old nephew and 4year old niece
Sunday – birthday BBQ for 4 year old nephew
Monday – party for DH’s 40th at our house. Only about 25 people

Scattered throughout were work requests, emails and phone calls.

Tomorrow is DH’s actual birthday so going out for dinner.

This weekend is Dad’s 60th party Saturday night and Aunt’s birthday event on Sunday.

I lost weight last week. I lost more weight in the last 2 weeks since I decided to give up on WW for a while than I have in weeks. I am sure my cold has something to do with that.

Where am I at?

2010-04-18T09:29:00.000+10:00

Where am I at?

I am collecting myself. It’s the best way to describe how I feel.

I felt very scattered and messy the past few months.

Bit by bit I am getting myself back in order.

I am also trying to make a decision.

WW works but I don’t stick with it.

Eating only when hungry also works for me but I have had trouble in the past with ‘impulse control’ and emotional eating. But I have not tried this approach since I started with my ADD medication. This approach appeals to me a LOT more than WW. But I worry it is a cop out. I feel like it is not a diet so it can’t work.

I am thinking I should find the hypnotherapy CD’s from when I saw a psychologist who believes 100% in the ‘not dieting’ approach and claimed a 75% success rate. Maybe now that I am on the ADD meds I should give this approach another try? They suggested 3 months scale free while taking this approach as it can take practice to get it right. Not sure about that.

I also have lots of information from Dr Rick Kausman who wrote “If not dieting, then what” and has had lots of success.

I think my goals for this week are:

Do floor work 3 times
listen to the hypnotherapy CD's
read the 'if not dieting' book
see what the scales say next Saturday

Answers

2010-04-15T11:06:00.000+10:00

I am annoyed at myself.
I have lost and gained the same 14kg so many times in the past 12 years that I am bored. I never go higher than 96kg or lower than 82kg.
I am comfortable!
Right now I am 92.something. Not at my highest. Way too comfortable.
I am simply not motivated to put in the effort required to lose weight. I don’t tend to pile on weight quickly when I am ‘off track’ and in fact sometimes lose weight with no ‘effort’.

I know (as per my blog last week) that I will feel so much better at a healthy weight.

But being at this weight doesn’t feel hard, only mildly inconvenient.

Mild inconvenience is not going to get me slim without some other motivation.

But I am having trouble finding it.

I read other peoples stories, I talk to people I know. I love success stories. I know my issues are mere matchsticks compared to the walls some people have had to get through to lose weight. But when I read or hear a story about successful weight loss I think “well I wouldn’t / couldn’t make those sacrifices”. The only success stories that I feel I could do are the ‘eat only when hungry’ ones. But a big part of me feels that that approach won’t actually work.

I know the answers are in me, not in a blog or another person’s success. I am just having trouble finding them.

AWOL

2010-04-15T00:06:00.002+10:00

Sorry I have been a bit absent this week.

Not such a good week for me.

Add to that really busy at work and getting home late.....

I have not read a blog in days.

Life is wonderful. I am just in a bit of a funk and a bit stressed.

Just a quick snapshot of the wonderful, but busy weeks ahead:

Friday 16th birthday tea for Mum

Monday 19th Mum's birthday (tea is early as my sister is going away)

Saturday 24th birthday party for niece and nephew

Sunday 25th birthday party for other nephew

Monday 26th Ian's 40th birthday party (at home, I am organising)

Wednesday 28th Ian and Dad's birthday

Saturday 1st May Dad's 60th party

Sunday May 9th Mothers day and step mothers birthday

In between all of that is work (really busy right now, 10 hours days plus the 3 to 4 hour commute), getting my hair done (involves about 5 hours of a Saturday due to location of hairdresser!!), buying gifts for all the birthdays, finding time to get the cat to the vet, keeping on top of housework, keeping Ian's spirits up while he really misses his Mum and sister around this special birthday, dealing with Dad's cancer recurrence and surgery booked for 18th May... and of course trying (and failing) to find the motivation to exercise and stick to WW because I know that none of the above is an excuse for not doing so.

So that is me. Warts and all. Not sticking to WW. Only one floor work session so far this week. And it is after midnight and my alarm goes off at 6:30 so I must stop typing and go to bed!!

Guilt

2010-04-13T12:11:00.000+10:00

I laugh about having an ‘overactive guilt gland’ but in reality it can be really hard to live with.

There is the family ‘bun story’ which is long and basically involves me (about age 10) confessing, sobbing, in the middle of the night about the bite of a bun I took 2 years earlier. My parents reacted with laughter and have since repeated that story over and over again.

There is the difficulty in stopping ‘people pleasing’. The guilt from saying ‘No’ far outweighs the pain of just keeping everyone happy.

Then there is today. I was given a small piece of information at work that was required for work my team had been engaged to do. I had a question related to that information so I emailed some people with my question and I included the information.

Literally one minute later I received an email in response to another I had sent saying that I was not allowed access to that piece of information and that my team was not to do the work.

I ‘recalled’ my email but it was read by some people.

Even though I was not told the information was confidential until after I had sent my email, even though the person who gave it to me did not know it was confidential, even though I know I would not have sent it had I known, I feel incredibly guilty.

And guilt makes me want to eat chocolate. (I am resisting the urge)

I really feel I need to deal with my feelings of guilt. It can’t be right to feel guilty about things that I know are out of my control.

Slim Me

2010-04-09T10:14:00.002+10:00

Sometimes I write without purpose.
Then the purpose comes to me later.
Yesterday’s “Me” post was one of those. Those paragraphs actually ‘appeared’ at the end of my “Failure Badge” blog. I was not sure where they came from, but they certainly didn’t fit that topic so I created a second blog.
Then this morning I had an ‘aha’ moment.

I think that everybody approaches their journey to the best version of themselves differently. There is never a right or wrong way. We all know calories in must be less than calories out in order to lose weight. Other than that the paths are many and varied.

I think there are also different results even when you meet your ‘goal’. For example you can be 65kg and do very little exercise. You will need to eat a little less to maintain that weight. You will have less muscle definition. (Not necessarily compared to someone else, but compared to the version of you who exercised). Or you can be a 65kg gym regular. Given muscle takes up less room than fat you may be slightly smaller than the non exercising version of you. You may be able to eat a little more and still maintain your weight. You are more likely to be toned. Neither of these options is better or worse than the other.

For me I really think about 2 ‘paths’. In reality the actions are identical, but the thoughts and motivation differ.

My two paths are “food” and “exercise”.

“Food” path focuses on eating the right things to get to goal weight. Exercise is a support activity to help burn more calories and improve my appearance.

“Exercise” path focuses on exercise goals. Eating right and losing weight are the support activities. Eating for fuel and losing weight to make exercise more enjoyable and pain free.

So when I blogged yesterday about not knowing who I was and wanted to be, it really came back to this.

I was a slim teenager who did minimal exercise. I was really lacking in co-ordination, hand-eye especially. And being Australia the focus at school was nearly always on team sports involving balls… not really my thing! Being the 80’s I did do aerobics once a week for a while… but that soon became just an excuse to meet the guys from the gym room afterwards!

In my 20’s I did pretty much no exercise. I got to WW goal (yep, I am a lifetime member in the UK) with only incidental exercise. Being without a car in the UK meant there was a fair bit of incidental exercise I admit. But I still did nothing ‘extra’.

In my early 30’s I required a knee reconstruction. After the surgery I was on a strict rehabilitation exercise program and ‘accidentally’ lost 10kg. And discovered I loved to ride my bike! After that I got a personal trainer who came to my house twice a week. And discovered I loved running!

I have never actually been slim and fit at the same time.

This morning the image of how I want to be when I am slim came to me very clearly.

I want to be a runner.

I want to lose weight so that my joints hurt less. I want to eat right to fuel my body. I want a runner’s body, slim and toned. I want to do weights and cross train to reduce injury.

The plan changes not at all. Weight Watchers and floor work to strengthen my hip and core until I can start doing more cardio. Short walks until I can start the C25K again. But I feel more motivated and focussed.

My first goal is the 14km ‘run4thekids’ race which is next in March/April 2011. But if I reach this goal the year following that is fine too – as long as I am happy I have done everything I can to reach it. I know I have to be patient with my hip.

Wow, long blog! Well done if you read this far!

Me

2010-04-08T12:15:00.003+10:00

I am easily swayed. If I talk to my step brother about triathlons I want to take part. Last nights Australian TBL with them running a marathon makes me want to run a marathon. Women who embrace their size make me want to be more accepting of myself. Women who dress with individuality and flair make me want to do the same.
I need to have a much stronger picture of who I am. I used to. It got lost somewhere in the past 10 years.

I know who I want to be on the inside. But what I don’t know is how I want that to be shown.

I can’t picture a slim me without trying to paste my head on someone else’s body.

My badge of ‘failure’

2010-04-08T12:15:00.000+10:00

Sometimes I feel that looking from the outside it would seem my one big ‘failure’ is my weight. I have a good home, job, marriage, family etc.

And I have this weird and kind of contradictory set of feelings about that.

If I eliminate my one easy-for-the-entire-world-to-see fault, am I then misrepresenting myself as a success? It seems ‘wrong’ to be seen as a success when I feel like somewhere between a failure and ‘average’. (Oh yes, I know this is completely illogical). Will people have higher expectations of me? Will people dislike me? Will I dislike me? Will I become obnoxious and painful without my weight to keep me lacking in confidence? I am already very self absorbed. What if that gets worse?

But what if I really can’t do this? What if I just keep trying and failing? Can I live with more failure at this one thing I have been ‘trying’ to succeed at for more than 20 years?

So my illogical and fairly random brain is terrified of failure at the same time as being terrified of losing my ‘failure’ badge.

I tell myself how illogical both of these fears are. After all I know that people see my other faults (I asked :p). I remind myself that slim people are everywhere and not all of them are successful. I remind myself that I have 20 years of failure to keep me grounded even when I finally succeed. I remind myself that fearing failure causes failure. I need to believe I can succeed.

And I hope that the logic will win.

Change Resistance

2010-04-07T17:38:00.000+10:00

I find it interesting that I have been choosing a known, familiar discomfort over a new but lesser one.

The ‘new’ discomfort (ie sticking to WW points and exercising) has a wonderful reward. Many wonderful rewards actually. Physical, emotional, mental rewards.

And I have always believed that I love change.

But in this case I have continuously returned to the familiar regardless of the fact that being obese is not easier than losing weight and losing weight has so many rewards.

Interesting.

Comfort versus progress

2010-04-06T10:15:00.000+10:00

Craig Harper wrote a great blog that arrived in my in box this morning.

His Hypothesis: There is a positive correlation between how uncomfortable an individual is prepared to get and their likelihood of success – irrespective of the field of endeavour

This really hit home with me. I have talked before about how I keep choosing the discomfort of my weight over the discomfort of changing it.

This weekend I had an uncomfortable conversation with Ian. Uncomfortable for me. We talked about my health. He thinks I need to see a new doctor. He believes my current doctor keeps piling on new diagnoses without actually making anything better. I am torn. In some ways he is right. But also I think the diagnoses have been accurate. He thinks I should see another doctor and get a second opinion. Which led me to react with an immediate and telling thought: “a new doctor will just tell me to lose weight and see what improves”.

Please excuse my momentary indulgence while, for my own piece of mind, I review what my doctor has diagnosed and why I think she is or isn’t right. Then I will write about my weight.

PCOS: this was accurate at the time. My blood tests and an ultrasound clearly showed I had a large number of the factors that make up this syndrome. Lately some results have been different so I believe it is currently under control. Maybe I never had it.

COELIAC: this was never actually diagnosed with a biopsy. But it was diagnosed through blood tests. And I get sick when I eat gluten. I sometimes have doubts due to the lack of a biopsy. But nobody else has any doubts (including Ian) and the only way to get a positive biopsy would be to eat gluten for about 1 month then get tested. I don’t think I or my marriage would survive that.

ADD: this one bothers me. I think I do have it but very mildly. I must admit that when I don’t take the medication I feel the diagnosis is accurate. It certainly does improve my stress, anxiety and ability to think. But I am still slightly uncomfortable with the diagnosis.

Symptoms not resolved:
Stress and anxiety - reduced but not resolved. This makes sense. I find out this week if Dad’s cancer is back/spread. Also Ian’s ‘guaranteed 20 hours per week’ turned out to be a lie. This week he has been given 3 days off ON TOP of the Easter break. So money is tight and I don’t deal well with that.
Tiredness – this has been a chronic issue for me. My blood tests were all normal. I am not sure what is causing it other than the stress and anxiety. Oh and my obesity.

Looking at that I don’t think my doctor is doing a bad job.

This brings me back to my weight. How can I keep asking ‘why do I feel like this?’ when I KNOW that my weight is a factor in some areas. I am carrying an extra 25kg above the TOP of my healthy weight range.

Things I KNOW are caused by my obesity:
High blood pressure
Insulin sensitivity
Tiredness
Joint and muscle pain
Hormone imbalances
Anger at myself
Low self esteem

And that doesn’t touch on all the diseases that obese people are at much higher risk of getting.

So while it may appear to me that I am staying ‘comfortable’ by not making an effort to lose weight, my weight is actually causing many discomforts.

Because I have been obese most of my adult life I think I am numbed to how bad it actually makes me physically feel.

And what does this mean?

Quite simply: I need to get off my fat backside and do something about my weight. Being obese is NOT comfortable.

To (probably mis) quote a great saying I have posted before:
Being overweight is hard. Losing weight is hard. Choose your hard.

Baby Step #1

2010-03-31T09:33:00.000+11:00

I know… I was ba-ack and then I wasn’t.

I didn’t stick to WW for even the rest of that day. So I deleted the post.

I am really worried about my Dad, but we won’t know until next week if there is even anything to be worried about. I don’t really know what to feel. Worry about what may or may not happen? Optimism? Pessimism? Realism?

Anyway, I am eating my emotions. I know I should deal with my emotions instead, but I am finding it tough. I feel like if I let go I may not be able to get back together again.

So instead of jumping back in the deep end I am going to go back to baby steps. This has worked for me in the past. Succeeding in a ‘baby step’ gives me the feeling that I can do this, that I can succeed in the next steps.

So baby step number 1:

Floor work 3 times a week

I have chosen this as it has no impact on my emotions, gets me back into a routine, and of course benefits my hip which has been really sore the past couple of weeks.

When I feel I am on top of step #1 I will add step #2.

I have read a few of your posts this week, but not been leaving comments.

Touching Base

2010-03-28T21:32:00.002+11:00

Hi,

Just letting you know I am still ok.

Thinking about returning to blogging.. but nothing to say yet... and also still trying to work out how to read less blogs when I do return...

Went to WW yesterday and had a 0.3kg gain. I can live with that.

Have not started counting points again yet.

Hope you are all doing well.

♥

My Absence

2010-03-17T10:24:00.000+11:00

I think you probably know that for me blogging is very therapeutic.

Some other facts about me include:
• I had a really stressful 2009. Lots of things changed, there has been serious illness and loss in my family, etc, etc. Many of the ‘stressful’ events were not even negative. But for me it was a stressful year.
• I have ADD/ADHD and one of my ‘symptoms’ is a tendency to think that if I am enjoying something then more of that ‘something’ must be better.
• I tend to deal with stress by staying as busy as possible.
• In the past month many of the things that caused last years stress have had great resolutions.
• Life right now is the best it has ever been for me.

You may be wondering why that means I am having a blogging break.

Basically I have been blogging on EP for 3 years. Then earlier this year I started a second blog on blogspot. The blogging itself was not an issue. But I kept trying to follow more and more blogs. I love reading peoples blogs. So I added more and more to my list.

Then with my stress levels suddenly dropping I had what my therapist called a ‘post stress’ situation. It’s like all those people who have their first holiday in ages and then get sick. I did what I needed to do for the past 12 months. Then when I no longer had to ‘keep going’ I was suddenly exhausted. Physically, mentally and emotionally.

I was not feeling the relief I expected. I felt pretty much nothing. I was suddenly completely lacking in any interest in following WW. I felt empty.

I felt overwhelmed with all the things I enjoyed doing to the point that I started feeling I ‘had’ to do them and they became a burden.

So, on the advice of my therapist, I am having a ‘break’. I am spending time with my family and friends, I am sleeping a lot, I am allowing myself downtime.

I am not reading blogs, or writing them (other than this one LOL), following WW or setting any expectations of when I will get back to doing those things. I am not trying to complete my 13 things to do list.

In fact, I am, for the first time in as long as I can remember, not trying to get anywhere or achieve anything.

I will be honest. My first reaction was ‘Seriously?’ and some panic. I was not sure how I would fill my time without so many things on my ‘to do’ list each day. Evenings with ‘no stimulation’ sounded really scary.

But a week later I am feeling much better. And I can survive evenings with no computer. And I know I have done more at work without reading blogs during the day!

I feel calmer and I can feel myself coming awake again. But I am not there yet.

So I will be absent a little longer.

I will be back. I have not lost my need to be slim. I just need to give myself some time without ‘trying’ to do or be anything.

I probably won’t come back to both EP and blogspot, but I will share the details of whichever one I do go back to.

In case you wonder where I am....

2010-03-09T15:18:00.000+11:00

Long story that I won't go into, except to say that life is fabulous right now. I have no major issues or concerns.

But I have been advised to take a break from my online weight loss communities.

This is going to be really tough for me, but I agree with the advice and the reasons for it.

It may be only a day, a week or longer.

My thoughts will be with you however long it is.

My guess is not as long as my advisor would like cos I will really miss you guys!